


Keep healing, love (I'll be here)

by Felicja_Julieanne



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Self-Harming, Mentions of Violence, Mild Blood, Original Character(s), Out of Character, POV First Person, Philosophy, Possible Character Death, Psychological Drama, Psychology, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, mentions of bullying, they just need a hug kay, theyre sad bbies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4081240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felicja_Julieanne/pseuds/Felicja_Julieanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He has never told Toris that he has problems at school. He has never told him that his classmates are just homophobic idiots. He has never told him that he has enough of this. He felt alone. He felt useless. He felt, like it'd be better, if he was gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say that it's my very first story in English (it is not my first language). Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. And I hope you'll enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available in Russian, [ right here! ](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3544917)

It started with a call. Just a simple, normal call. It was quite late, about eleven pm. I didn't have school tomorrow – summer holidays – so I decided to stay up longer than usually. I had just few more episodes of Attack On Titan to watch, and it was getting really intense and interesting, so I just couldn't bring myself to stop now. It was the middle of the episode, when my phone (laying on the desk next to the computer) started buzzing. I stopped the video and looked up who was interrupting me. I smiled, seeing familiar name. Feliks was calling. Feliks is my boyfriend. He's from Poland, I'm from Lithuania. It's kinda hard, cause we see each other once every few months, but we always text, and talk, so it's not that bad. We met for the first time in London. Both our schools had trips to England. I was fourteen then, Feliks was about to be my age in just few months. We met by a total accident. My class had free time. Me and my friend decided to walk around a little bit. He wanted to buy something for his sister, so we checked few shop. I stayed outside, while he was inside, looking for a teddy bear or something like that. I wanted to buy something for my brothers as well, and I saw a nice looking piggy bank. I though it would work fine for my youngest brother. So I told my friend that I'm going there, then, few steps and I was lying on the ground. With someone underneath me. I helped this guy, apologized countless times, and introduced myself. He said his name as well, being really shy. "Feliks" It didn't sound very English-like, so I asked if he's from here. He said "No, I'm Polish" - still being shy- then I answered "Well, seems like we're neighbours then! I'm Lithuanian". We walked to the shop together, when we both bought gifts for our siblings (it turned out that he has an older sister, a twin sister and a younger brother). My friend called for me, we were supposed to head back to the group. Feliks and I exchanged numbers. Then we started texting. And, at summer holidays, one year later, we started dating. Now, I'm eighteen, Feliks kinda is (in about six months he'll be). Who could've known, that by a simple accident I am going to meet the love of my life? I know that I'm young, and I still have my whole life to live. But I'm sure that Feliks and I were simply meant to be. I've never felt like this before. He is the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful person I know. I'm sure that my love for him will never fade. Okay, back to the events from that evening – or should I say night?. When I saw that Feliks was calling, I immediately picked up. I was especially happy, because lately he haven't talk to me at all. He said that he has some examines at music school, and at normal one too, so of course, I understood. But our contact was limited to just few texts per day. The last sms I got from him was from two hours ago and it just said "I love you". Of course, I responded I love you too, but this text was kinda out of nowhere. Well, I wasn't questioning it, Feliks sometimes had those weird moment of his.

"Isn't eleven a little too late to call, sweetheart?" I said, smiling to myself. I haven't heard him for such a long time! I have not heard an answer for a while, just, something that sounded like... sobbing? "Feliks?" I called his name.

"Um, Toris, honey.. " I recognized Feliks's mother. Her voice was shaky, she surely was crying.

"Mrs. Łukasiewicz? Is everything all right?" I asked, worrying a little. Why was she calling me? From Feliks's cell... that's weird.

"Yes sweetie, it's... I-it's just fine. Could you please pass the phone to your mom?" her voice cracked at the end of this question. Our parents didn't know each other. But, I know Feliks's mother, and he knows mine as well. We visit each other as often as it's possible, but our parents have never met each other.

"Sure. Give me a minute, please." I said, quickly leaving my room. Something was really wrong. I headed to the kitchen. I remember that my mom was there few minutes ago, when I was there.

"Motė?" I called her, walking to the kitchen. As I expected, she was there, doing the dishes.

"What is it, Toris?" she turned around to face me. I handed her my phone.

"Feliks's mom is calling. She wanted to speak to you." I said. She furrowed, taking my cell and bringing it up to her ear.

"Yes?" my mom used to don't know English at all. But when I told her that I have a boyfriend, who lives abroad, she suddenly started to take lessons. And well, she was learning really fast. Her English is really good. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear what Mrs. Łukasiewicz was saying. But look at my mother's face, told me that it was something horrifying.

"Geras Dievas, what happened?!" she asked, adding "good God" at the beginning of the sentence, in Lithuanian of course. I was worrying more than ever now. Feliks's mom called, crying. She wanted to talk with my mom. My mom looked scared, she started tearing. What the hell was going on?

"Don't tell me that he tried to …" she gasped after a short while, probably after hearing the answer.

"Is he … Is everything fine with him?! Don't tell me that he's …." and again, silence for few seconds.

"Thank God! But, why would he do something like t _hat?!_ Did he have any problems? He and Toris didn't fight recently, at least I don't think they did. Perhaps it's school?" now I was sure that they were talking about Feliks. But what happened? This time Mrs. Łukasiewicz was replying much longer than before. It took her good five minutes to response.

"God, I had no idea... Why didn't any of the teachers at his school react? They should see something like that! It is their duty to help children in situations like this!" again, quite a long response. Every passing second seemed like forever to me. What was going on? What happened to Feliks?

"Of course! I'm …" my mom stopped talking for few seconds. Tears were running down her face. She looked at me for a short moment, then her gaze was at the kitchen window again. "Toris and I are going to be there soon. Don't worry, dear. He'll be fine." she let Feliks's mother talk for a minute, when she was just nodding to herself. Then, she said _"Hold on, dear. Everything will be ok. I'll see you in few hours"_ and then she hung up. The silence in the room was killing me inside. I didn't know what was going on, but it wasn't good.

"Motė? What happened?" I asked. I slowly walked few steps further, and then I put my hand on hers.

"Toris... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, dear." She was crying harder than before. One of her hands was covering her mouth, while she was sobbing quietly. The second one, was holding mine, tightly. I didn't understand anything from what was going on right now. "Listen, honey." she said, after she calmed down. "I.. I'm really sorry to say this to you, and I'm sure you'll be mad, and sad, and most probably hurt, but don't worry, hopefully everything is going to be all right." she smiled sadly. Her both hands were on my shoulders now. I was higher than her, so she didn't have a problem with looking me in the eyes.

"Mom, please, just tell me what is wrong..."

"Toris... Did you know anything about that Feliks has been bullied?" my eyes opened much wider. _What?!_

"I-I... he didn't say a thing." I mumbled.

"Well, let's sit. I'll leave the worst for the end." _that didn't help me at all_ _._ I sat by the table, next to her. "His mom just told me the whole story. And, since you're his boyfriend, you should know everything as well. All of that begun at the beginning of the school year. As you know, he went to the new school. New friends, new teachers, it all brought a lot of stress. He didn't know anybody, so he didn't know what they'd think about... your relationship. He told about this one girl. Just mentioned it, nothing particular. And the next they, all of his classmates knew. And the whole process started. They would call him gay, faggot, queer, they would make fun of him. He ignored them as much as he could. It lasted two months. Then the worse thing started... His mom said that he was acting weird, that she tried to talk to him, but he would always lock himself in his room. After the first day of school after New Year, when he came back from school, she saw blood on his shirt. He said that he scratched while PE, nothing to be worry about. The next week when he came back, he was limping. He fell of the stairs, at least that's what he said. Every single week, a new injury appeared. Broken rib, conquered eye, sprained wrist. He started to avoid the school. His grades suddenly lowered. He wasn't appearing at piano lessons any more. All he was doing when he was back from school, was eating with his family, with that fake smile of his, then close himself in his room. Even his little brother saw that something was wrong. A week ago... he came back home with split lip, conquered eye, his clothes were a complete mess, his bag was nowhere to be seen. He wouldn't talk to anyone since then. He closed himself in his room, completely avoiding the rest of his family. He didn't go to school. He just stayed there. And... today..." she stopped talking. Tears were running down her face again. Well, I was really close to crying too. I... just can't believe this. How could anyone do something like that to Feliks? He always tried to be nice to everyone, he always smiled, was always happy. How could anyone hurt my darling like that? How could anyone hurt anyone like that?! Since when love is the reason to hurt people? What is so wrong with the fact that we are in love? Why people think it's not normal?! You can't decide who you love, for Christ's sake! Your heart don't give a single fuck about the gender! It's the inside that matters right?! Why are people so blind? Why they treat us like different people? We're the same. Why can't they see this..?

"Mom..." I said, still holding back tears. "What happened today?" God, I was _so_ scared of the answer. But I needed to know. Mom swallowed hardly, then sighed. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes, with sympathy.

"Feliks tried to commit suicide." suddenly, my whole world stopped. With just this sentence, I felt like my heart has stopped beating. I felt like it broke. There were so many emotions I felt at that moment. Sadness, fear, pain, anger, love. But mostly, it just hurt. My chest, my heart, it hurt so much. I couldn't think about anything. Such things like _is he still alive_ or _what should I do now_ . My brain didn't get enough attention from me right now. No. Heart was ruling the whole me in this moment. Immediately, tears started to running down my face. My mother pulled me into her arms. Her warmth made me cry even harder. I started sobbing loudly, desperately clinging to her. _What am I going to do now?_


	2. Chapter 2

After about ten, maybe twenty minutes, I calmed down. I stopped crying, mostly because I ran out of tears. I was attached to my mother's shoulder. Her hand was gently rubbing my back. I took a deep breath.

"M..mom?" I asked quietly, my voice shaking horribly. "Is..." I bit my lip, feeling like I was about to burst into tears just like few minutes ago. Deep breath once again. "Is Feliks all right?" I put up my head, looking at her with my glassy eyes. She sighed. Before, she said that he tried to do this, which means that he didn't succeed, right? Maybe he'll heal out of this, and I'll be able to talk to him again. Just see him again.

"Honey..." and all my hopes were buried down by her tone of voice. It was filled out with compassion. "You're not a little child any more. You're practically an adult. Which means, that I won't fool you with saying that everything is going to be okay. You are old enough to understand this situation. I … I don't now many details, but I know that his condition is serious. As Maria.." that's Feliks's mom ".. told me, he took lot of sleeping pills, and washed it down with some sort of a corrosive chemical. They needed to do a gastric lavage. Still, it didn't help much. Chemical already could make damage, and amount of those pills he took... Doctors are doing whatever they can."

"Everyone always says that." I mumbled, looking away. "They always say that they're doing everything they are able to, but at the end it still isn't enough."

"Toris. They are  _ doctors _ , not  _ miracle-workers _ _._ " I nodded, sighing quietly. My eyes were burning from tears and tiredness. "I assume that you want to come with me and see him.. right?" again, I nodded. I just didn't feel like talking any more at all. "You should rest a little. Go to your room and try to get some sleep." I slowly stood up and then walked out of the kitchen, not bothering to look at my mom. I quietly walked up the stairs, reminding myself that my brothers are most probably asleep. My room was placed at the end of the long hallway. But just few seconds of walking, and I already was in my room. I closed the laptop, turned off the lights and lay on my bed. I stared at the ceiling, which was pretty higher than at normal houses. Which reminded me how big is this place. My father, who died before I was even born, owned a big company with factories all around the world. So it's pretty obvious that he was rich, and after his death all his money along with the company was passed to his wife. She works from the house, so she has plenty of time for me and my brothers. Well, I'm not really in need of attention any more, but they're much younger than me. Eduard is eleven, and little Raivis is only four. They are both adopted, but me and mom love them, and treat them like they're related to us. But recently.. I didn't really pay much attention to them, mostly because the whole mess with school. I've got just one more year to college, so I decided to start seriously question what am I going to do for life. Both Feliks and I wanted to try to get to University of London. We were really looking forward to that. Feliks always wanted to move to England, he was always attracted to this country. I never knew why, but I have to admit, that living there would be pretty exciting. I wonder if we'd be able to live there after all. This whole situation makes me sick. How could I be so stupid and not see any thing? We saw each other on Easter, and this was... not even two months ago. Even if he was avoiding calling me as much as possible, we still talked a lot on the phone, or Skype. How didn't I notice anything? Better question is why didn't he tell me about this. I really thought that we were supposed to support each other, and stuff. That's what relationship is about. But, Feliks is still Feliks. He always worries too much about the others. Maybe he just didn't want to bother me... Or upset me. After all, his classmates were bullying him because he has a boyfriend. I don't understand people at all. Rejecting and hating someone just because they are themselves What's the point of that? That's just the most horrifying and bad thing ever. I mean, why would you do something like that? You don't know what other people could be coming through. Feliks always was a quiet and shy person. He hates being in the centre of attention or being around too many people. That's the main sign of his social phobia. Being around strangers always stresses him, he's just afraid of other people. Not a surprise that he couldn't handle this situation. And he's not the type of the person who'd talk about this to someone. He'd just squeeze it inside. Just like he did. I know that this was too much to him, but since when suicide is a good answer? I don't understand his point of view. Why would he decide to give up everything just because of some stupid jerks? Why couldn't he just tell someone?! Why didn't he tell me?! Everything would be ok if he did, he'd change school and there'd be the end of these troubles. But no, instead of that, he decided to end everything. Didn't he think how much he'd loose?! Life is a fragile gift that you can receive only once, and he just wanted to throw it out? So many people do this. Try to end their troubles by ending everything. And indeed, their problems are over. So their lives are. And so, troubles of other people begins with the end of theirs. No matter what someone would think, there is always something or someone worth living for. Relatives, friends, lovers. There is always at least one person, for whom they're worth everything. And so, your everything, your world, your light, simply disappears. And it's from their own will. They decided to disappear from your life forever. And here you are. Alone, useless, heartbroken. Asking yourself why did they do that. Why didn't they think about you. Why they decided to leave you alone. You have so many questions.

_ But the answers are long gone. _


	3. Chapter 3

All the thoughts kept running through my head all night. In the end, I didn't sleep at all. I just lay in my bed all night, thinking about everything. I decided to get up, when I heard my mom making breakfast, and my brothers running around. I slowly made my way to the bathroom. Perhaps a cold shower would make me feel a little bit more awake. I walked up to the mirror. And well, what can I say. My eyes were a little bit red and watery, and under them you could see bags. The results of crying and not sleeping. Besides that, my hair was in it's usual morning mess. And I just couldn't force myself to smile, even an obvious fake smile didn't work out. I didn't look good at all. By just one look you could notice that something is up. And I'd rather not have everyone knowing that I have some sort of an existential crisis at the moment. That shower isn't a bad thought. I took off my pajamas, which are a t-shirt and boxers, and walked into the cabin. Lukewarm water seemed oddly good for me, considering that usually I prefer hot showers. And as I stood there, leaning against the wall, with water running down my body, I started to get lost in thoughts again. Why Feliks didn't tell me about all of this? I thought that we were supposed to be for each other, without hiding anything, especially something like that. But he did hide it. How long was he lying to me, and himself, about him being fine? Mom said that it started at the beginning of the school year. September. It's June now. Ten months. Almost a year. I can't believe that he didn't tell me anything about this. Even when we met on Easter. He kept fooling me. Saying that he's all right, that the school is great. I can't help but feel deceived. Did he not trust me enough? Did he think that I won't do anything about it? Why he didn't tell me anything at all? What was he thinking? Usually people who commit suicide do that because they have nobody to help them and no one to rely on. He isn't like that. He has a lot of people whom he can trust. His mom, brother, sisters. That Hungarian girl from his school he told me about. Me. Why he decided to hold everything inside? Why didn't he think about us? How did he think we will feel right now? Leaving so many people behind, without even a word of explanation. I can't help but think that this was purely selfish.

"Toris!" I snapped out of my thinking, hearing my mother's loud voice, accompanied by pounding on the door. "You're sitting there for more than an hour! Breakfast is almost ready!"

"Sorry!" I replied, loud enough so she could hear me. I turned off the water, walking out of the shower. "I'll be downstairs in a minute!" I said. Mom didn't say anything, but I could hear her walking away. I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked into my room. I dressed into my typical outfit – a random t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and sneakers. When I was done with my clothes, I quickly left my room, and walked down to the kitchen. My brothers were already there, Raivis sitting, no, lying in his high chair, and Eduard playing something on his tablet. I sat by the table, between them. Mom was still working on breakfast – pancakes, if I'm not mistaken. I rested my arm on the table, then rested my head on my hand. The only thing that could be hear, besides the frying sound – was the radio. Breakfast at our house always looked pretty much the same – Eduard would be playing games on his tablet, Raivis would almost fall asleep waiting for the meal, mom would be busy with preparing it, and I'd do something on my phone, most probably text Feliks. I wish I could do that now. He would find every possible way to cheer me up, in every situation. Like two years ago, when my dog died. I had him since I was five, he was one of my best friends. Unfortunately, dogs don't live as long as humans. I remember that I was depressed like hell. It was a week before Christmas. My mom tried to pull me out of my room, spend the time with her and boys, unsuccessfully. I was sad, and didn't want to see anyone. I didn't even speak to Feliks, not even explained him why I didn't. And guess who knocked on my door the very next morning. Later on, he said that he talked to my mom, who explained everything to him. He wasn't like everyone else, wasn't saying  _'_ _ you're going to forget soon'  _ or  _ 'it was an old dog after all, you should be expecting that sooner or later _ _'_ . He let me talk, and actually listened to what I've got to say. So I talked. About how I couldn't believe that happened, how I'll miss him, how it's unfair. After I let out everything I had to say, he started talking about the time his rabbit died. He said  _'_ _ I don't think a rabbit can be compared to a dog. But you need to know that everyone goes through something like that sooner or later. World is cruel. And unfair. It often is like that. You're becoming attached to something, and suddenly the world takes it away from you. It's sad, but it's the place we live in. We won't be happy all the time. Nobody will.'  _ I was impressed, but also confused.  _ 'So what's the point of having precious things, if you lose them?'  _ He smiled at me.  _'_ _ Happiness. Happiness which those things brought to your life. That's what makes it worth it. You take the risk, because you want to be happy. Even if you'll be hurting after loosing them, you'll still have memories of happiness. People often are sad because of memories with someone they have lost, for example because of their death. They are sad, and want to forget. I personally think it's stupid. They should not. Yes, it is sad, because they're forever gone. But memories are something which that person left specifically for you. Something that no one will ever take away from you. They'll always stay with you, even if you'd like to forget. Maybe things are taken away from us, but memories are not. And memories have that happiness that those things have given you. When you're going to remind yourself about something what's gone, what are you going to feel? Sadness? Anger? What should you really feel is happiness. Because those precious memories are the proof of the happiness you've had before. Thanks to them, you can at least pretend to be back to those times, and for at least a while, feel happy again.'   _ That's one of the countless things I love about him. He has his very own and specific point of view. I was always impressed how logical he could get while talking about such simple things. He is indeed very intelligent, but he doesn't show it all the time. Especially at school. He doesn't show it, because he'd rather stay out of everyone's attention. He pretty much hides everything just so no one will notice him. He acts just like an ordinary, boring person. Everyone is easily fooled by that mask. If they'd only try to get to know him, they'd discover such an amazing person, with a gorgeously colourful personality. He just needs a little bit time to get used to someone. But well. People are impatient. Someone like Feliks isn't going to fit in, simply because he needs much more time to start trusting someone than the other people. Besides, people like to judge a book by its cover. They are simply too stupid to understand, that some people need time to warm up before showing their real nature. If someone would try to tell who Feliks is, after few minutes of talking with him, they'd say that he's rather a shy, quiet and a loner. And he's not. He loves talking, he could talk about nothing for hours. He doesn't like being alone, he actually hates when he doesn't have someone nearby to just hang out with. The point is, that he needs a lot of time to start showing his true self. If he doesn't know someone, there's no way he'll act like when he's alone with people that he knows well. I didn't get it at first when I met him. But, when time passed, and he stared to open up to me, I understood. Some people are outgoing, some are not. Some love making friends and having lots of them, and for the others just few is enough. Some people open up immediately, the others needs some time to do that. People have different personalities. But not everyone understands that.

"Toooris. Heeey, wake uuup! Toooooooriiiiiiis!" I snapped out of my thoughts, feeling something hard being pressed against my hand. Raivis has been poking me with a plastic spoon.

"Hm? What?" I asked, not even knowing what's going on around me. Mom was standing in front of me, with quite angry look.

"Breakfast is ready, besides boys have tired to talk to you. It's quite rude to just ignore someone." she said, with her instructive tone of voice.

"Sorry." I said, leaning my back to the chair. "I got lost in thoughts."

"I figured out." she said, putting the plates on the table. "After you'll finish eating, go and pack your bags."

"Aw you gowig sowhewe?" Eduard asked, with his mouth full.

"Don't speak with your mouth full. And yes, Toris and I will be away for a while."

"Where are you goin'?" Ravis said. His face was already all covered in chocolate syrup. Just like always, can't stand one meal without dirtying himself.

"To Warsaw."

"Can we go with you?" Raivis asked immediately. "Pleeeaaseee.. " that's also normal in our house. Whenever mom was travelling, mostly because of the job purposes, both Eduard and Raivis were torturing her with their puppy eyes, asking if they can go too. Most of the time, she can't resist and takes all of us with her.

"No."

"But.."

"I said _ no _ , Eduard, and that's my last word. I'll have a lot of work there, so I won't have time to take care of you."

"So why do you take Toris with you?"

"Toris is old enough to take care of himself perfectly."

"He can take care of us!" Raivis said. They are always urging like that, but this time it isn't like always. Mom never lies to them, but they are too young to tell them the truth. Mom seemed to be out of excuses.

"I won't have time either." I said "'m going just so I can meet with Feliks." _ It isn't a lie, is it? _

"You see boys? Sorry, but this time you'll stay at home. Aunt Elena is going to stay here and take care of you." They both were upset, but at least they gave up on that. Mom looked at me with a warm smile. I couldn't smile back, I wouldn't even fool myself with that typical fake smile. The breakfast went quick, and in silence. I put my plate in the sink, and went to my room, where I stayed until mom called for me to come down with the suitcase. Before I knew it, me and mom were already sitting in the plane, the pilot saying that we'll land in Warsaw at five pm, according to their time zone. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that I'm going to see when we'll be there. I was afraid. I was genuinely scared of what is going to happen. Everything can turn out to be fine, but I can also lose the most important person in my life. I can't even describe how I'm scared of that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'll try to update more frequently, but I start school very very soon, and it's my last year at my current school so I need to be sure that my grades are the best (which means an entire year with books, yay .-.) Though I'll try to update as often as I can, I don't promise anything. Anyway, enjoy~!

It wasn't the first time I was at Feliks's house, but this time, it was so, so much different. The house seemed so quiet, so plain, so unfamiliar. I've never seen it like that before. Hell, I never even knew it could turn to be like that. This place was always so bright, and full of colour. The corridors were never quiet. Whether it was the piano, some boy band’s new song, or just pure laughter, the silence didn't exist in here.

Their family consisted of five people. Each had different personalities, dreams, cravings and desires. They were like pieces of a puzzle. Each one unique, with a different shape and colour. They were different, but they fit one another. Just like a puzzle, from few pieces they created a picture. But... what happens to the picture, if you remove one piece of the puzzle? It becomes incomplete. Once you don't have all the pieces, the picture is gone forever. Sure, you can try to recreate it without the missing piece. Or even try to replace the missing one. But it won't be the same as before. Without even a one single element, the whole picture falls apart.

A puzzle will never be complete if it misses its piece.

&&&

Mrs. Łukasiewicz was just like I remembered her, kind, generous, polite and caring. She'd ask how was our journey, how were my brothers, what grades I finished this year with. She got along with my mother very well. They talked about how it is to be a single mother, how hard to deal each one of us is, and typical motherly subjects like that. Hedvika, Feliks's older sister, also didn't really change. She was always the responsible and mature one. It's not that surprising, she was the oldest siblings, finishing 21 this September, if I remember correctly. She loved her family, and she always expressed it – something I'm not able to do, for example. Even though she was very overprotective, and sometimes scarily angry because of the stupidest things, she wished the best for each one of her siblings. I haven't really met a lot with her, because she lived in Prague, where she studied. She was on the fourth year of architecture, if I'm not mistaken. I wasn't really surprised to see her in Warsaw, Feliks's her brother after all, and from all his stories about her, I knew that she really cared. She didn't seemed to be sad though, that's probably because she was hiding it. The one visibly depressed over what happened – except me – was Felicja, Feliks's twin sister. They were always close to each other, being not only siblings but also great friends. Even thought they were arguing a lot, they loved each other. I wasn't very shocked to see Felicja being almost in tears, her eyes watery and empty. From the looks, Feliks and Felicja looked exactly the same, both had shoulder length blonde hair, bright green eyes, pale white skin. Their personalities were what was complete different (and their gender, but that's not the point). Feliks was shy and avoided public situations as much as possible. Felicja, on the other hand, loved being surrounded by people and had no problem with speaking with strangers. From this two, Feliks was the one who was able to hide his emotions, Felicja being a completely open book. The youngest from the household, Miloš, currently was with Mrs. Łukasiewicz's brother. She decided to spare him the sad atmosphere, and bring him home when everything will be back to normal. That is if there's still a change for everything to be normal again.

The evening came quickly, the day being closer and closer to its end. My mom, Mrs. Łukasiewicz and Hedvika were in the kitchen, talking about stuff adult women talk about, while me and Felicja were sitting in the lounge. Neither of us was really involved in the conversation, so we just sat quietly, the silence filling the room. Usually she was very chatty, same about me. I didn't really feel like getting into the talk today. I was tired, from the plane trip, this whole atmosphere and situation, and well, I guess that my lack of sleep was showing now. The silence was ringing in my ears, my head was resting on my knees, my eyes slowly closing. The fact that this room had dimmed lightning didn't help.

“Are you seriously falling asleep?” Felicja's voice brought me back to being awake – well, at least partly awake. I put my head up, looking at her. “It's barely nine.”

“In my time zone, it's ten.” I responded, rubbing my eye.

“What are you, five? Falling asleep at ten is not your thing, you're the one who stays awake till three am.”

“I haven't really slept yesterday. At all.” she raised her eyebrows, looking at me slightly surprised.

“Are you insane or what? Even I slept for few hours.“

“Just couldn't fall asleep. “ we both sat in silence for few seconds, until she stood up from the sofa. I sent her a questioning look.

“There's no point in sitting here when you're clearly far, far away from being awake. Come on, let's go upstairs.” I nodded and stood up, following her. We left the living room and went up to the first floor. We walked down the corridor, walking past every one of three guest rooms.

“Feli..?” I asked, as she passed the last guest room.

“You're not staying in the guest room.” she said, walking towards the last door at the right. “I hope you don't mind that you're sleeping in here.”

“No, it's fine.” I answered, as she pushed the door open. Feliks's room looked pretty much the same as always. Walls were grey, and furniture black. The rug, lampshade, desk chair and curtains were red, the bedding was with London (grey and black with red accents), and just above the bed hung a big, framed photo of the landscape of London. The desk was covered in books, the closet doors were open, some shoes lye in the corner, and in the entire room, there were music sheets randomly thrown over the floor, bed, rug, desk, bookshelves. What can I say, exactly nothing changed since the last time I was here.

“Does he really never clean this place? How can somebody sleep in a place like that.” Felicja mumbled, walking inside, gathering all the papers lying on the bed and putting them on the desk. I closed the door behind me, and walked towards the bed.

“Make yourself comfortable. If you'll need anything, or something, you know where I am.” the blonde said, smiling at me lightly. “Goodnight”

“Night.” I responded, and no more than five seconds later, I was alone. I sighed, running my hand through my hair. I haven't even noticed that my suitcase was in here before. I walked towards it, pulling out something to sleep in. I didn't bothered with going to the bathroom to just change, instead I changed here, leaving the clothes I had on myself in one of the suitcase's pockets. Then I got back to the bed, first sitting on in, before actually lying down. I glanced at the clock at the bedside table. Nine twenty. That's the first time I went to bed that early from my own will. I sighed, nuzzling into the pillow. It smelled just like Feliks. Chocolate, apples, and something I wasn't able to name. Probably his natural scent. It all blended together so nicely, creating the sweetest scent I have ever smelled before. It may be weird, but I often told him that he smelled nice. He'd always say that I'm weird for saying that, but I'd notice him blushing anyway. That scent suits him. Sweet, delicate and fresh. As I slowly fell into unconsciousness, I reminded myself all the times I was able to fall asleep holding him, feeling the warmth of his body. And then wake up to see his sleeping face, and be the first person he smiles at. I wish I could start and finish every day just like that.


	5. Chapter 5

_Finally it's here! I had a pretty rough month, few things happened, either I was busy or not in the mood to write or away without internet connection. But it's all better, and school lets me breath a little more now, I didn't think they'd give me so much work right at the beginning . So here you go, new chapter, enjoy~_

* * *

 

The following day was going to be a tough one, I was sure of it since the moment I woke up. Yesterday, Mrs. Łukasiewicz told me and Felicja that we can go to the hospital and see Feliks if we want. And I'd love to see him of course, but I was feeling somehow.. unsure. Or rather scared. Something very similar to the feeling I got when my grandfather died. I hesitated while walking towards the coffin. I didn't want to see him like that, all stiff, pale and lifeless. I'd never want to memorise someone like that. The last memory of someone should be them alive, that's my opinion. Though, this time it's different. Feliks isn't dead yet. It's not like there isn't any chance of him getting back to normal. Usually, I'm a realist, and judging the current situation, I'd doubt him coming back to health. But it's him. I wouldn't be able to possibly give up on him while there’s still chance. Even if believing in it blindly is stupid, I really want to believe.

Before I noticed, it was already 10 am, which was when visiting hours started. Me, Mrs. Łukasiewicz and Felicja were at the hospital, me and Fel waiting for their mother to finish talking with the nurse. Fortunately, they actually spoke English in that hospital, so I could actually understand what everyone was saying. As Mrs. Maria finished talking with the previous said nurse, the doctor appeared, and he and Mrs. Maria walked towards us. The older man was about 40, maybe 50, with gray hair, and quite bushy beard. He was smiling friendly at our two. “Follow me, I'll take you to Feliks's room.” we stood up from uncomfortable plastic chairs, and followed the man, just as he said. He started talking again once we entered the elevator.

“Due to special treatment, patients at ICU have shorter visiting hours, that is from ten to four. I’d also like to remind you to not touch any of the machines, but as you are pretty much adults, I don't think saying that is necessary.” he smiled again. He had a weird accent, he probably was Russian, or maybe Ukrainian. The elevator stopped at the third floor, which was described as Intensive Care Unit. We all walked out, the sound of footsteps echoing through the whole length of the long corridor. The area heavily smelled like medicine, and as we were walking by some of the rooms, the loud beeping of the machines could be heard. The corridor was pretty busy, overflowing with nurses, doctors, surgeons, visitors, even patients (the remarkable green clothing put them out of the crowd). The doctor stopped right next to the door with number 12.

“Well, here we are. You can come in, although, Mrs. Łukasiewicz, I'd like to have a world with you in my office first.”

“Sure” the woman responded, then turning towards us. “You'll be all right on your own for a while, right kids? I should be back soon” And then they were gone. Me and Felicja stood by the door for a minute or two, as the footsteps of the doctor and Mrs. Maria were fading away.

“Should we come in?” Felicja asked, as both of us did exactly nothing more than stare at the door.

“I think so.” I responded, gesturing her at the door. “Ladies first, right?”

“Fuck you.” she answered harshly, but I could see a hint of a smile on her face. “Let's just get this over with. We came here for him, we can't just chicken out right outside the door. C'mon, you're the man here, you go first.” I nodded, and without hesitating even more, I pushed the door open, stepping inside. The room wasn't very big, but it wasn't small either. There was a lot of small machines on the both side of the bed, each one working quite loudly. There was also a drip, and a heart rate monitor. The bed itself wasn't big, perfect for one person, with white sheets. And there, there was Feliks. He looked like he was sleeping. He had an oxygen mask on his face, and several cables plugged into each of his arms. I noticed three chairs in the room, two of them on the opposite sides of the bed, the third one by the window. I walked towards one of them, and sat by his bed. Now that I was closer, I noticed how bad he actually looked. The corner of his left eye was purple, leftover from a bruise probably, he had a scab on his lower lip, a big bruise on his cheek, his forehead as well. He was much more pale than usual, even though he had a light skin colour already. I grabbed his hand, and stroke it with my thumb lightly. He looked so fragile, like he was made out of porcelain. I could barely notice his chest moving as he was breathing. I was heartbroken to see him like that. To see my sunshine so broken, so hurt. I wish I talked with him earlier, so I could tell him that I love him. I wish I knew what he was coming through, so I could be with him. If only I'd see what was happening. Maybe if I'd ask, he'd tell me. I should have noticed that he was acting strangely. He did seem more off on Easter. He didn't smile as much as he used to. Hell, he was flinching every single time I touched him, and that never happened before. How could I be so stupid and not notice that something was clearly wrong?

“Stop that.” I put my head up, to see Felicja sitting across the bed. She was looking at me, her eyes watery, but she had a light smile resting on her face. “Stop blaming yourself.”

“How do you-?”

“You've got that look in your eyes. You're not the only one, you know? I think we all blame ourselves right now. I do too. You know that Fel and I have always been close, even if we did fight a lot, and even if I do think he's a complete idiot. I didn't notice anything strange about him. Until... until I came home on Friday.... Did our mom told you how we find out?” I shook my head no. “Well, on Friday, I was at Elizaveta's house. I told mom that I'll come home around nine. She was supposed to be home at midnight, but something came up and she came back quicker, even quicker than me. I also was half an hour before nine. I – I remember that when I got home, mom was in the kitchen alone, crying. I asked what happened, why was shy crying, but she didn't answer. I only understood what happened after I asked her where Feliks is. S-she gave me that look, that look that people give you when you're eight and your grandma has just died. We didn't know that he was bullied until this week. You know who Ellie and Gilbert are, right?” I nodded, while she wiped away tears that fell on her cheeks. She sniffed, and continued her story “Feliks never talked about what was happening in his school to anyone besides them. Especially after he got transferred to that new one, which was supposed to be better. As far as I know, only Ellie and Gilbert knew that he was bullied. As best friends, Feliks asked them to keep it as a secret, and they did. Which now seems bad. They were the only ones he was almost hundred percent honest with. He didn't tell them that there was violence though. Ellie said they only realised that about a week ago, when they saw it. That was when it was the worst, when he came back all in blood. Gilbert walked him home then, and Ellie went to talk to Feliks's home-teacher. Only he didn't seemed to care at all. Feliks didn't go to school since then. Gilbert tried to talk to him, but he was saying that he's fine. Then Ellie and Gilbert told our mom. She tried to make Feliks to go to the psychologist with it, but again, he said he's okay and doesn't need it. We were stupid enough to believe him. Mom told me everything yesterday morning. I had no clue what was happening until now. We were always so close to each other, and yet I haven't noticed the change in his behaviour. That's so stupid. If we only noticed that something is wrong.”

“Maybe we'd be able to help.” I finished, looking at Feliks's hand, which I held in mine.

“Toris?” I looked up, giving her a questioning look. She stopped crying, though her eyes were still glassy. “I want to ask something. Will you be honest?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think he'll wake up?”

“... I hope so.”


	6. Chapter 6

Two weeks passed quickly, quicker than I'd expect. Days have been exactly the same, switching between sitting in the hospital, and in the house. Feliks's condition didn't change, which was both good and bad. Good, because doctors predicted that it's probably going to get worse than that, fortunately it didn't. Bad, because he still was in a coma, and nobody knew whether he'd wake up or not. It was Monday when I decided to actually turn on my phone, which was off for the entire time. I had at least twenty missed calls from Alfred, a friend of mine whom I met few years ago in America, and about forty from Antonio, my best friend. I won't even bother with counting the amount of messages he sent me. I'm not surprised though, as friends, we contact each other on a daily basis. The last time I talked with him was the same day Mrs. Maria called me to tell me about Feliks. Which was quite a while ago. I selected his contact, and called him. He answered almost immediately.

"Did someone kidnap you or what?! It's been like a year, and you haven't even bothered to say that you're alive dude. Not cool." He ranted. Didn't even say 'hi' or anything. Rude.

"Hi, nice to hear you too. I've been good, thanks for asking, how about you?"

"You're a dick."

"It's barely been two weeks Tonio."

"That doesn't change the situation! You could at least told me that you're busy or something. When I came to your place you weren't even there, and your aunt didn't want to tell me where you are! I seriously thought that you were kidnapped by aliens for a second. Where are you, what happened?"

"I'm in Poland"

"Oh, so that's how it is now? Ignoring your best friend for your boyfriend? I seriously thought you weren't that kind of pers-"

"It's not like that." I interrupted him. "You know that I wouldn't ditch you for anyone."

"Then what exactly is the reason of your phone being turned off for nearly three weeks?"

"It's just... Shit went down."

"And by that you mean..?"

"Do you remember when I told you that Feliks's been avoiding talking to me recently?"

"Yea, you mentioned it."

"I.. I finally know why."

"You sound like you're about to cry. Did something bad happened?"

"He's in a hospital. There's been some stupid shit in his school, some fuckers were bullying him, and he didn't tell me, but God, I feel like it's been _so obvious_  that something was bothering him, and I feel stupid for not asking now, if I knew that wouldn't happen, maybe I could help, he wouldn't end up this way and-"

"Hey, hey, calm down, remember to breathe. You can tell me everything, but start from the beginning okay?"

"Okay, all right. 'm calm now."

"You sure? You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to."

"No, I want to. I need someone to listen to me."

"And that's why you have me. Okay, from the start. What happened?"

"Feliks's been bullied at his school. You know, typical homophobic shit. They didn't just call him names though, there's been violence. As far as I know they started to beat him in January, but it's been getting worse since then. Nobody knew what was happening until his friends saw some dudes fighting with him, a month ago or so. And, two weeks ago he got into hospital. After a suicide attempt."

"Jesus.. Is he ok?"

"Not really. He's in coma, the doctor said it isn't sure whether he'll wake up or not. Although he also said that his organism might start to fail at any moment. For now there's no need to have life support, but it might be needed if his condition gets worse. I.. I honestly don't even know what to think now. I feel so goddamn lost whenever I think that he might be forever gone. There's a chance, true, but a tiny one, and I try to be realistic. I saw the way doctor looked at me, and that's wasn't a 'he'll be all right' look, but more of a 'you should get ready for a funeral' one. From another side though, I don't want to think that he might die. I want to think that he'll get better, that everything will be okay again. I have no clue whether I should try to be optimistic or realistic. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed."

"I've already heard that somewhere."

"What?"

"'I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed.' You said the exact same thing to me before you asked Feliks out. You were imagining the worst, but it turned out for the best. I know that the situation is much more serious, and completely different, but I'll hold on to what I said then. You definitely shouldn't think the worst, because nothing is sure. Whether things will turn out good, or bad, we don't know. He might wake up, he might not. And you should accept that. I'm not saying that you need to accept that he might die, because you'll have time to do so when he'll be dead for real. He's not now, so stop thinking what will happen if he dies. But, you shouldn't get your hopes up as well, because you might get really hurt in the end. You don't know what will happen, so you should try to realise what could happen, but not worry about it. You'll worry about the results when they'll come. For now, just try to wait without getting worried over something that might not happen at all."

"Easier said than done. I've been doing nothing but worry about that recently. I spent more time crying this month than for my entire life."

"I can imagine. I'd probably be doing exactly the same if something like that happened to Lovi. So, is there anything I can do for you to help you?"

"I don't know. We can talk, or something."

"We're already doing that, but ok. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know, anything really."

"I heard that when you talk about something connected to the bad experience it helps you, so we could talk about Feliks, or something. That is, if you're comfortable with it."

"People do that?"

"Yeah. Like on a wake, when everyone talks about the death one to feel better, or when boyfriend broke up with your friend and you invite them over to watch romantic comedies. Are you cool with it?"

"I guess so?"

"Okay then. I don't know where to start, since a particular someone never introduced him to me. Although I don't think I need you to introduce him to me, you talk about him so much that I already know everything, including things I'd rather not know."

"I'm sorry, at least I do have a boyfriend I can talk about. You still didn't ask Lovino out, and you've been crushing on him for months."

"I'm working on it. It just takes time."

"Go on then, take your time, it's not like you have only a year until you go to college to different cities."

"Hey, I'm not sure where I'm going yet, so we might end in the same place. Speaking of college, are you still planning to go to London?"

"Yea, Feliks and I have been since last year. He has an unhealthy obsession about this city. I don't know what's so interesting about it."

"There's only tea and rain there-"

Antonio and I talked for few more hours, before I eventually felt so tired that I couldn't help but almost fall asleep. I felt relieved, now that I actually said to someone what was going through my head. And, I guess his advice made sense. I really should try not to think about something that isn't sure. Although, in moments like that, when I was alone, and all that surrounded me was darkness and silence, my thoughts were running wild. And eventually, all of them were somehow connected to Feliks. I didn't remember at what hour I fell asleep, but I woke up feeling like I stayed awake the entire night. I tried not to think about unknown, just like Tonio advised me to, but it was pretty hard, especially when I was sitting next to the blond in the hospital. I tried to focus on thinking about happy things instead, like some of our happy memories. It actually made me smile, thinking about some of our conversations, or things we did together. For the very first time, I didn't think that the future will be bad, but I thought about it being good.

Only, I didn't know that the bad was yet to come.


	7. Chapter 7

Everything seemed to be okay. The doctor said it was much better than he predicted, so there should be no complications. It was supposed to be fine. Nothing was supposed to go wrong, things were about to get better. Except, nothing just gets better if you expect it to. Just like when you're in the absolute worst scenario, and you say 'at least it can't get any worse', the universe decides to show you that it can. It can always get worse. And it's more likely to happen then getting better.

“I have some bad news for you.”

From already eighteen years of personal experience, I knew right away that the words 'bad news' always had something horrible behind them. They always meant tears, guild, fear. Everything bad in general. Especially when someone close to you was in a hospital, and those words were said by their doctor. That could mean only one thing, right? The one thing that I was the most terrified of since the moment I got to know my boyfriend tried to commit suicide.

I stood there, in the doctor's office paralysed, not being able to move a muscle. My heart was pounding in my chest, and it really caused me physical pain with each and every beat. I was so, _so_ scared when the doctor started speaking.

“Yesterday evening, Feliks's condition suddenly worsened. His lungs weren't capable of working properly anymore. We've tried to give him special medication, which usually increases their work, but in his case, it only worked for a short while.”

You can probably imagine how hard I was forcing myself to not start crying right away (not only me though, Felicja certainly looked like holding the tears in caused her pain). I knew what the doctor was going to say. I was so sure that the worst possible thing had happened, and it's only a matter of time before I'll be crying my eyes out. At the same time, the tiny piece of my mind, and the remains of my broken heart, were screaming at me that it didn't have to be it, that it could be something else. I wanted to pray that it wasn't, but I wasn't able to think straight. The only thing I wanted to do is run away, hide from the world and cry. What else could I do? My dearest love, someone that was the closest to me, the person that held my heart, turned out to be dead. And I didn't even have time to talk to him before. Did not say my goodbyes, not even that I loved him. Nothing. He'd be gone, and I won't be able to do anything about it.

“We were reanimating him when his heart stopped, but it seemed like he was no longer able to breath on his own.”

_Sure, give me even more details, it's not like I'm going through a mental breakdown right at the moment._

I really wanted him to just spit it out and let us all be done with this. I seriously felt nothing more than just an urge to leave this place. I looked at Mrs. Maria, and I was greatly shocked to see her standing there, looking just fine, without any tears in her eyes. She kept her face straight, with no emotions written on it. Just like she was not about to hear that her only biological son is dead.

“Could you get to the point and tell us in what state he is now, Sir?” Mrs. Łukasiewicz said, her voice ice cold. I was pretty sure she was just trying to play tough, I mean, someone had to at least pretend to be cold-blooded in a situation like this.

“We were forced to put him on life support.”

_Wait. Wait wait wait. Hold on a second. He's on life support, so.._

“So he's alive then?” I wasn't even sure when those words escaped my lips. My voice was weak, and I was almost choking by the tears I didn't allow to fall down.

“Of course he is.” I felt like a heavy stone was suddenly gone from my heart, which was still beating as fast as it could. I released a relief sight, the corners of my lips going up without me noticing. I probably shouldn't smile, because he got worse, not better, and that's certainly not a reason to be happy. But that didn't matter for me now. He was alive, and that was all that I cared about in this moment.

I got hit by reality only few seconds later though.

“Wait. If he's not able to breathe on his own,.. does that mean that he won't wake up?” Felicja asked, her voice barely loud enough to be heard. She seemed to be crying before, although I haven't noticed when she did, but she stopped, as there was no tears falling down her cheeks.

“No. There are still chances of him waking up. But his organism is starting to fail on him, so they are much lower than before. And if he does wake up.., I have to say that I'm not sure whether the lung failure is only temporary for him in coma. If it's not, he'll have serious health problems if he'll wake up. It's a side effect of the pills he took. It's kicking in slowly, but it starts to cause serious harm to him. I'm afraid that if he's not awake in few weeks, his brain could get damaged too.”

“How serious would the brain damage be?” Mrs. Maria asked. She still didn't show any emotions on her face, but her eyes were much calmer now, her voice was a little bit warmer too. I guess we all were expecting the worst.

“I'm sure you're all familiar with the term 'brain-death', right?”

Well, that was the one way to ruin my mood again. The room filled with silence, as none of us spoke. So Feliks was alive, but if he doesn't wake up till the end of this month, he'll die. That's what the brain death was. Just death, basically. A person could be held 'alive' for years, but they wouldn't be alive for real if their brain wasn't working. The moment doctors declare brain death, it's over. Heart could be beating, blood pumping, everything working properly, but the person would be dead.

So not only I got to know that Feliks got worse that day, but also that he has a timer set on.

He either wakes up, or goes to sleep forever.

 

I was sitting by his side the exact same day, examining the new machine standing in the room. The doctor explained to us that it was a ventilator, and it blew the air into his lungs, and blah, blah blah. I didn't really care. But, that small thing kept him alive, and I had to say, I was really impressed. Medicine and technology were so advanced already that they could keep a human being alive when the human itself couldn't. Feliks still looked pretty the same, only the bruises on his face were fading away, almost unnoticeable now. Instead of an oxygen mask, he had a tube going into his mouth, from which the air came. He really looked like a porcelain doll now, with his chest not moving. He looked beautiful, even like this.

Besides me, there was no one else visiting at the moment. I was often left alone here, mainly because Mrs. Łukasiewicz had work, and Felicja still needed to go to school. Now, summer vacation begun for them, so she was over with it, but she didn't want to stay today. She said she was going to inform her and Feliks's friends about what's going on, as they deserved to know. The room was filled with the sounds of the beeping machines, and, from time to time, footsteps from the corridor. The window was closed, but the curtains were drawn open, showing the beautiful weather outside. It was pretty warm, as for the summer. Right when I was staring at the sky, I remembered to check the exact date, as I was pretty sure that today was _that_ day. I took my phone out of my pocket, and unlocked it, to see the clock with the date. I was right. It was the first of July. I put my phone away, and looked at Feliks.

“That's today, huh?” I mumbled, not sure if I was talking to myself, or to him. I took his hand into mine, smiling sadly.

“Three years already. Time goes by so quickly.” I brushed his palm with my thumb. Then I raised his hand to my lips. After kissing it lightly, I said the words that probably hurt me the most so far.

“Happy anniversary, love.”


	8. Chapter 8

With each passing day, I was getting more and more anxious about the current set of things. No matter what I did, where I was, my mind would always wander back to Feliks. I still tried my best to not think about the worst, but that was much harder than before. Especially that the doctors didn't know the exact time Feliks's brain would still be working properly. All he had left could be few months, but few days as well, and there was nothing I could do about it. He could also wake up in any moment, but again, no one really knew what was going to happen. All we had left to do, was waiting.

I still spent as much time in the hospital as I could. Outside that, I guess I tried to keep myself functioning like a normal person. Which was hard, by the way. I was surrounded by memories of me and Feliks, which made me even more depressed. Every little thing in his room made me think of a particular situation, a talk, an event, just some time spent with Feliks. It hurt. To think that I might not be able to create new memories anymore. Everything reminded me of him, and I honestly thought that if I was alone in that house, I'd gone insane. Which was very close to happening, as I wasn't talking to anyone. I just didn't thought they'd understand what I felt. Or rather, they wouldn't understand what Feliks meant to me, how big impact he had on my life. I'd lie if I said that I'd be able to move on if he really dies. I wouldn't. I'd really lost everything then.

After about two weeks of self-misery, Feliks's and my mothers decided that both Felicja and I needed to just forget about everything for a while. They suggested having a 'day off'. Going to the cinema, or to a swimming pool, walking around the city, just doing something fun in general. I wasn't really up to that, since it seemed kinda unfair, to do something like that when Feliks was in a hospital. But, our mothers basically thrown us out, so we had no other choice then to do something with ourselves. We decided to go to the Palace of Culture and Science, since I've never been there before. Which I really regretted once we got to the observation deck. The view was just incredible.

"It's great, isn't it? You can see the whole city from here." Felicja commented, her eyes locked on the landscape.

"It'd be a little bit better without that." I said, pointing at the fence, which was surrounding the whole terrace. "Why is this place fenced like that?" I looked at her as I asked. She sighed, still concentrating at the view.

"There was no fence at the beginning at all. I don't know when exactly, it was already there the first time Feliks and I came here. I remember that I asked the same question as well, I mean, the view would be so much better without it. Feliks told me that when it wasn't here, there was a lot of people jumping out of here. So they fenced the terrace, to prevent people from killing themselves. He heard that from a tour guide, apparently."

"Wow, that's uh... a bit depressing, to be honest." I mumbled, looking away.

"Yeah. So..." she uttered quietly. "Do you want to go to the park? We could get some ice cream or just walk around. "

"Sure, why not."

&&&&&

"I feel like this entire day is strangely awkward." Felicja said, as we both sat down on a bench in the nearby park. There was a lot of people going around, many children, as it was really warm. The shadow from the trees above us protected us from the sunlight, and the chilly wind was cooling down the temperature a bit. "It's like we're strangers or something."

"Feels like something is missing."

"Or someone." she sighed quietly. "It's weird. This one time Feliks is not between us and it feels like we're forced to be here."

"I think it's normal. Whenever we meet, it's because of him, so it's obviously very different when he's not around. I personally feel really uncomfortable just being in this city without him next to me."

"That reminds me about the first time we ever parted. As twins, we were practically inseparable when we were little. We shared a room, all of our toys, everything. When we were about six, Feliks got sick, pretty badly. I don't remember what he had, but mom had to take him to a hospital, and he had to stay there for a week. Mom told me that we both cried for few hours, we'd ask where's the other constantly, it was basically hell for our mom and the nurses. I remember that I felt really alone in the house. Even with Hedvika, it felt like not home, because he wasn't there, and I was so used to him always being within my reach. I kind of regret that I went to a different school now. We grew apart as we were getting older, but we'd always be close anyway. Things changed a little when we chose different high schools, and it became even worse after he changed schools. He hardly ever talked to me, he never wanted to go out with me and our friends, it suddenly felt like he was pushing me away."

"Not only you. He was avoiding me as well. I noticed a lot of little things about his behaviour that made me worry, but I'd forget about them after a while, because he always said he was okay. But now, when I know what was going on, I see that if only I saw the obvious connection between them, I'd be able to tell what's going on. He never talked about his school, and if someone brought the subject, he'd get tense, and try to change the subject. He flinched every time I touched him by surprise. I never knew why he always wore long sleeved shirts, even to bed, but now I get it."

"He was hurting himself." I looked at her surprised. I didn't know about that. "What? You didn't know?"

"No.."

"Well, you always sit at the right side of his bed, so I figured out you might not notice. He has bandages on his left arm."

"I know. I thought it was just an injury from those guys."

"At the beginning, I thought like that as well. But, about a week ago, I got very curious about it. So I took them off. His whole forearm is covered in scars. Some old, most likely from few months ago, but some are fresh, probably from the week he was still alright. I don't think he was doing that to kill himself though."

"If that wasn't it, then why would he do that?"

"I'm not sure, because for me just the idea of doing that seems insane, but... I read something on the Internet, an article which said that people do that to take the pain away. It's completely irrational for me, but a lot of people said that the physical pain is the best way to drown out the mental pain, even if just for a while. I guess that could work for him."

"And it probably did. He just tried to commit suicide in June, almost at the end of it. I'm pretty sure he must've thought about it sooner, but.. I guess cutting himself helped him enough for a longer while. I still don't understand how, but I probably never will." after that, we both sat in silence for few minutes. But now, my questions about his behaviour were all answered. Before, I was surprised as why he wanted to keep his shirt on whenever we got intimate since few months ago. I would ask why every time, as he used to be totally fine without it before. He never answered. But now, everything is clear. He wanted to hide his scars, so I won't notice something is wrong. "Still, I think all of this could be solved if he just talked with anyone."

"He's not the one to do that. Did you ever see him just coming over to someone and telling them he has a problem? Firstly, he's too stubborn to ask for help. Secondly, he's too stupid to realize that it's not healthy to hold all of your feelings inside." she wanted to add something, but her phone started buzzing in her pocket. She took it out, and then pressed it against her ear.

"Hello? … We're in the park, next to the Palace of Culture. Why? … Didn't you say we need to be out for the entire day or you won't let us in? … Oh … Yeah, sure, we'll be there. … Okay, see you." she then put her phone back, and stood up. "Come on, we have to go." I stood up as well, and we both started to walk back. I couldn't keep up with her for few seconds, she was walking that fast.

"What happened?" I asked, trying not to fall behind.

"Mom got a call from the hospital. Apparently, something happened, the doctor didn't tell her what, but he said we should be there as well. She'll be waiting for us at the parking lot nearby."

&&&&&

We got to the hospital half an hour later, as fortunately traffic wasn't as big as usual. Together with me, Felicja and Mrs. Łukasiewicz, there was also Hedvika, Feliks's older sister, who spent most of her time with their uncle, and their brother, who was still temporarily living with Mr. Emil. The doctor was already waiting for us in his office. I had a huge déjà vu by the time we made it there. The doctor was sitting by his desk, filling some documents, just like those two weeks ago, when he also called us because 'something happened'. And since that something was bad, I was afraid that this time it'd be even worse. After all, some time had passed since he had said that if he's not awake in few weeks, serious harm is going to happen to him. Brain death was one of the things that could happen. I went to the office already feeling light headed, and the strong smell of medicine didn't help at all. The doctor's face didn't show any emotion at all, so I couldn't tell what was going on, and whether we were there for the good news, or bad news.

"I'm glad you're here so fast." the man spoke, getting up from his chair and putting the pen away. "I'd like you to go with me to Feliks's room." he said. He then opened the door, and let us all out, then leading the way through the long corridor. He was silent for the entire way there. As we got to the door with number 12, which was Feliks's room, he stopped walking and looked at us.

"Could you tell us what is going on now, sir?" Hedvika asked, as the man still didn't say a thing about Feliks's condition. He smiled warmly (which looked really creepy, he just wasn't really good at smiling, I assumed)

"I'm very happy to say Feliks woke up this morning." I felt like the world has just stopped, and a big stone was lifted from my hear. I suddenly felt like crying. But for the first time in what felt like forever, crying from happiness. Everything was finally okay. Felicja was crying, Mrs. Łukasiewicz was pretty close to tearing up too, Hedvika was just smiling. I, was both smiling, and crying. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, but finally not hurting. I could finally honestly smile.

After we all took a moment to calm down, the doctor started to talk again. "We've examined him already, and everything seems to be fine. His lungs work perfectly fine too, so the previous lung failure must have been a temporary condition for him in coma. He's a little bit weakened, but that's mostly because of the lack of movement and sunlight, so in few days he should feel much better. Besides that everything is alright."

"Can we see him?" Mrs. Łukasiewicz asked. Her voice sounded relaxed, and I haven't heard it sound that way for the entire month.

"Of course. But, I'd recommend coming in one or two people at a time, and to stay there for only few minutes. He's surely very confused, and I'm quite certain there's a lot going through his head. It'd be the best if you don't ask any hard questions. There will be time for that, but the next few days should focus on his physical recovery. I'm going to come in and tell him you're here, then you're welcome to come see him." he then smiled at us once more, turned around and walked into the room.

"Well, that went better than I expected." Hedvika sighed. "You should come in first, mom."

"Do you want to come with me?" she asked, looking over at her daughter.

"Sure. That is, if Felicja doesn't want. I'd be fine with going second."

"Uh, no, I'd rather go see him alone. I could go after you." that all was fine by me, as I actually wanted to go the last, and alone. The doctor came out of the room few seconds later, telling us that we're free to go, and that he'd be in his office if we had any questions. Then, there was the time for each of us to go there.

&&&&&

When Felicja came out, it was my time to go. I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt nervous. I pushed those feelings aside, and walked to the door, instantly pushing them open. Now or never. The window in the room was open, letting in the chilly breeze and the sunlight from outside. Feliks was sitting on his bed, legs curled up with his arms wrapped around them, his chin resting on his knees. He didn't even look up when he heard the door. Which kind of discouraged me, but I still went up to his bed and sat next to him. His eyes were half open, his gaze somewhere on the bed.

"Hey." I said quietly, afraid of speaking louder. "How are you feeling?" I didn't know what to say at all. I had so many thoughts, so many questions and words I wanted to speak out loud. But I knew that it wasn't the right time to do so now. So I decided to strike a causal conversation. He didn't answer. "I know that it doesn't change much for how you're feeling, or what you're thinking, but I'm really glad to see you're fine." he still kept quiet. "I see that you're not really talkative today, that's something new." not even a word. "I don't know what's going through your head right now. And I don't know what did for the past few months. And I surely don't understand what you're going through, but I want to help." he still didn't say anything. By this point, I started to worry much more than before. I was scared of what was going on, of what was happening with him. "I'm not going to force you to talk to me, as I know that won't work. I should get going now, shouldn't I?" I brought myself closer, and then leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead. "I love you." I said, and I was about to stand up, but I was stopped by his arms pulling me closer to him. I smiled and gently put my hands around his waist. He shifted, changing his sitting position so now he was sitting on my lap, with his arms clinging to my shirt, and his head on the right side of mine. I felt something warm, and wet dripping on my shoulder. Then, I heard Feliks sniffle quietly. He was crying. "I'm here." I whispered, wrapping my hands around him a little bit tighter. "I'm not going anywhere, it's okay. I'm right here, love." he started to cry harder, resting his head on my shoulder, sobbing, his tears wetting my shirt. He was finally letting it all out. I actually started to cry as well, nuzzling my face into his shoulder. He was alright. He was okay, and alive, and awake. I could talk to him, I could see his eyes, hear his voice, tell him what was going through my head this whole time. I could hold him, and no one could take him away. He was with me, and that was all that mattered, right? "I love you. God, I love you so much, Feliks." I whispered, repeating those words over and over. "We- we're.. we'll be fine, I promise. It'll be fine, and.. God, I'm so glad you're okay. I love you." I wasn't able to hold back my tears anymore. Instead, I was just a sobbing mess, crying into his shoulder. It felt like all of the trauma from this whole month came back, and hit me all at once.

"I love you." he whimpered, his voice hoarse, and quiet, and muffled by tears. I finally felt relief from all of the pain I felt. My nightmares didn't come true. I was able to hold him in my arms again. I was able to tell him everything, to tell him I loved him. I was able to look into his eyes, and even though they were red, puffy and full of tears, they were still the most magnificent colour on the planet. I was able to kiss him, and even though his lips were dry, and salty from tears, the feeling of them on my lips was the most breathtaking feeling I'd ever feel. He was there with me. And I couldn't be happier.


	9. Chapter 9

After Feliks woke up, he spent another week in the hospital, focusing on his physical recovery. Felicja and I would visit him every day, his mother and Hedvika coming to see him once in a while as well. Miloš still had no idea about him being in a hospital at all. We just kept on lying to him that Feliks was away on a trip with his friends. Which was for his own good, as he was too young to understand the situation anyway. After the doctors were sure that Feliks was perfectly fine in every way possible (not including his mental health, which still left much to be desired), they let him go home. He didn't speak almost at all, which was worrying, but the doctor said it'll change once he'll get the hang of the whole situation. Which supposedly was going to be soon. He had to attend to a psychologist twice a week, so they could find out what his problem was, and prevent another suicide attempt. This seemed useless for me, as there was no way Feliks would ever open up to some random stranger. He never said a word about it to any of us, so there was no way he'd open up to someone he never met before. But, that was supposedly going to help him, and it was compulsory, so even if I did voice my opinion about it he had to go anyway. I just decided to keep my thoughts to myself.

A week after he was out, I decided that it was right about time to talk about the whole situation. I was still lost in everything. I still had no clue what was going through his head, and the worst thing was that I had no goddamn idea how to help him. The feeling of being useless was bothering me the most. He was hurting, and I wasn't able to release his pain. I don't know if there was something worse than feeling like this.

I walked out of the bathroom after taking a shower, around eleven pm. I instantly noticed that Feliks was sitting on the windowsill seat, just like he did when I left the room. His legs were curled up to his chest, his arms were crossed around them, his head and back resting against the wall. I walked towards him, sitting next to him, but keeping a little distance just so he wouldn't be uncomfortable. For the past days I noticed that he didn't like to be unnecessarily touched. Which was new to me, as before he always loved to cuddle, hold hands, just have some physical contact with me in general. I didn't want to scare him away, so I did everything I could to act as normal as I was able to. He didn't need to know that I was scared, because he was most probably way more scared than I was.

"Feliks." I started softly, looking at him. He didn't move, but I knew I had his attention, since before his eyes were locked on the window, now they were on his knees. Something that was probably most noticeable about his behaviour was that he didn't make eye contact. At all. He avoided the eyes of another person as much as possible. Which was normal for him when he was uncomfortable and scared, mostly while being around strangers. But now he felt that way towards the people he was the closest with. "I think we should talk about everything, darling. I know that you probably don't want to, but I'm pretty sure you'll feel a lot better once you'll get this off your chest." I actually didn't know if that was true, but it was something a lot of people said in movies, so this one time I decided to trust Hollywood. Which is never a good thing to do. "I don't know what you're thinking, or what you're feeling, so you need to tell me that. You know well that I only want to help you. I love you sunshine. I won't laugh or anything, I want to help. Only I won't know how to help you unless you tell me what is going on." he remained silent. After about a minute passed, I gave up on that. I sighed. "Feliks? If I ask you something.." I started, feeling my palms sweating. This was going to be even harder than I thought before. "..Will you answer honestly?" he nodded, but still didn't look at me. I took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing_. "Why.. why did you do this?"

"Why did I do what?" he really wasn't making it easier for me.

"Why did you try to kill yourself...?" he looked surprised by this, but then sighed.

"You all ask the same questions. Isn't it obvious?" he changed his sitting position, his legs no longer curled up to his chest. He looked at me. His eyes didn't look like they used to. His look was usually brightened by a little glow, his pupils were in a bright happy colour. Now, they seemed almost gray, and clouded. "I want to die." I froze in my place. His eyes looked completely soulless when he was saying that, and his voice had no emotion in it. It honestly scared me, how he could say things like that. And what he said terrified me even more. _I want_ , not _I wanted_. "Is there anything else you want to know?"

"... No. No, that's all." I said, my voice trembling. I tried to look like I was strong, but I was fucking terrified on the inside. I've never, ever been in a situation when someone told me they wanted to die. And what was worse was that he was serious. He nodded, and stood up, then walked to the bathroom, taking his pajamas on the way. I sighed loudly once he closed the door. I honestly didn't know what to do. That conversation surely didn't help him, and it surely as hell didn't go how I wanted it to go. How was I supposed to help him if he kept pushing me away like that? I didn't know what was his problem. It seemed like being bullied did something to him, changed something, but I didn't know what was it. If I wanted him to be alright, I had to make him talk to me.

_That's it. Fuck it. I'm going there, and I'm not leaving him until he talks with me for real._

I decided, and stood up from the seat, going to the bathroom door. _Should I knock, or just come in?_ He could be undressing or something, that'd be awkward. I put my ear to the door, listening closely. I didn't hear anything, so I assumed he was just sitting there, not changing yet.

"Feliks? Love, can I come in?" I called, then I heard something fall onto the floor with a clunk. Whatever it was, it sounded like metal. I heard him opening the cupboard, then quickly closing it.

"Sure." he said then. I quickly opened the door, stepping inside. He was sitting on the floor, in the middle of the room, right in front of the cupboard.

"What are you doing?" I asked. I wasn't sure what emotion he felt right now, he was really hard to read. Fear, or maybe stress?

"Looking for something in the cupboard" then I noticed it. He was wearing long sleeved hoodie, so it was hard to see at first. There was blood running down his left hand, from below the sleeve. It was dripping onto the floor, yet he didn't seem to notice it. And then it hit me. _He was hurting himself._ The metal must've been a razor blade. I walked closer, kneeling in front of him.

"You're bleeding." I said, calmly, to prevent him from freaking out that I noticed. It didn't work. He was clearly panicking, but he tried to hide it. Unsuccessfully.

"It's nothing." he said quickly. "I must've hurt myself by accident, I didn't even-"

"Feliks, I know that you cut yourself." he froze, his eyes locked on mine, clearly scared. "Show me your arm. You might get infection if it touches the fabric. Let me take care of it." his gaze dropped to the floor, but he let me take his hand. I carefully rolled up the sleeve. Felicja was right, his whole forearm was full of scars. Some few centimetres short, some stretching from his elbow to his wrist. Some were still fresh, while the others clearly from a long while ago. Then I noticed the new ones, right by his wrist, bleeding heavily. He cut them deeply, but I was pretty sure that he didn't get to the artery, fortunately. I turned around to the cupboard, wanting to get the bandage. There there was the razor blade, all covered in blood, lying in the corner. He must've thrown it in blindly, as the blood was covering other things as well. I took the first aid kit, and then turned back to him. We were silent as I was treating his cuts, but as I was putting on the bandage, I decided to try talking to him again. That was why I came here in the first place, after all. "Why do you do this?"

"It helps to deal with everything." his voice was quiet, I almost couldn't hear him.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked again, as I knew this was the only way I could get him to tell me what was really going on.

"It helps to deal with how much I hate myself and how not needed I feel." he spoke, his gaze still focused on the bathroom floor. "I mean, what is the point of living if everyone hates you, if everyone wishes you'd be dead? They reminded me every day that my existence means nothing. And I'm aware of it. I couldn't even kill myself, that's how big of a failure I am. I was never able to do anything properly. Whatever I did, they found a mistake, whatever I said, they proved me I was wrong. What is the point of being here if I clearly am worse than everyone else? Everything would be better if I was gone." he finished, his voice still without any emotion in it, like everything he said was completely normal and casual. I was kind of expecting this words, but they still hurt me. The way he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, yet he was speaking what was really going on inside his head.

"You shouldn't say that. I love you sweetheart. Your family does too. You're important to us all."

"Why?!" he sniffed, first tears falling down his cheeks, his eyes meeting with mine. "What would anyone love about me? I can't understand why anyone would ever feel something more than 'hatred' towards me. There is nothing about me someone would fall for. I'm annoying, depressed, anxious about everything. I'm ugly, and short, and fat. I cannot fit in anywhere no matter how hard I try. I'm just a freak. You said it yourself once, didn't you? Then you should understand that there's no way someone would love me. I-"

"You're wrong." I said, interrupting him. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. "Don't you even dare to say something like that ever again. Do you know why I'm here? Why I asked you out in the first place, why I wanted you to be my boyfriend? Because I love you. And I honestly wish you'd be able to see yourself the way I see you. I love everything about you. Every single thing, every little detail. There's not a thing I don't love about you. You're perfect to me. Your personality is unique, you're not boring and predictable like everyone else is, no, you always surprise me with something new. You're one of the smartest people I know, and your point of view may be a bit melancholic, but that's what makes it special. You're not afraid to speak the truth and say what you've got on mind. You don't follow the crowd, but go your own path, and that's why I love you, because you're yourself. You're able to make me smile, make me laugh, make me cry. You understand me. You and I have this connection that I can't find with anyone else. As well, that's why I love you, because thanks to you I'm happy. You're beautiful. I don't care about other people's standards, for me you're goddamn angelic. There is not enough words in the dictionary to describe how gorgeous you are. Everything is beautiful about you. Your hair, your eyes, your smile, your skin, your voice, your laugh, your whole personality. Your whole being is beautiful to me. I don't think you understand how much you actually mean to me. There's no way to describe how lost I felt when I thought you were gone from my life. You are my entire world, you mean everything to me. I'd give up anything for you, just if you asked me to. I don't think I'd be able to function properly if you were gone. I love you." he started crying harder, so I pulled him into a hug, now sitting down instead of kneeling. His hands were gripping my shirt tightly.

"I don't deserve it. You should have someone better." I was barely able to make it out, mostly because he was almost choking on his tears. "You can't be in love with me, I don't deserve someone like you. You should find someone much better, someone who's not me."

"I don't want anyone else. I've got eyes only for you, Liks. And I honestly think we both deserve each other. I like to think we were meant to be, even though you'd probably say it's cheesy to think like this. We're together, we love each other, and I couldn't be more happy about it." we sat there for few minutes in silence. I was gently rubbing his back, helping him calm down. Eventually, his sobbing died down, and tears were no longer falling down his cheeks.

"I'm really glad you're here. Really." he whispered. "You're the only one that knows me better than I know myself, after all. I'm just really confused, and scared. More scared than before I tried to kill myself, actually. I don't know what's going to happen now. Everyone acts so different around me now. Everything is changed, I'm terrified. I don't know what to do now. I want to get better, I really do. I hate feeling like this. I woke up every single day, knowing that everything is going to be as bad as usual, or even worse. Each day I was surprised that I've come thus far without giving up. Yet, every day I was more sick of pretending that everything is okay. I hated myself more and more. I knew that soon I will finally have enough. One day cutting myself won't be enough. For a long time I knew that I'm going to kill myself. I stopped believing that someday it'll be better. It wasn't better. It never was. I just felt so alone, and so lost." he sniffed, his gaze somewhere on the floor.

"You're not alone. You've always had me. You could have talked to me, and I'm honestly upset that you didn't, but that was in the past. And we should leave past in the past. The most important thing is, you're alive and well. Obviously, for a long while things will be different for every one of us. But we'll make it work. No matter how bad things are going to get, I'll be here for you. Always. So, from now on, every time you'll feel alone, you'll feel useless, you'll feel just bad in general, or you'll feel like hurting yourself, talk to me. In person, or on the phone, I don't care, just talk to me. No matter what time it is, or where I am. I'll listen to whatever you have to say. I want to help you get better, Meliė" I smiled at him, then gently kissed his forehead.

"You already helped me a lot." he whispered. "Without you, I wouldn't last this long, I'd end this much quicker. Every time you called, I felt a little bit better. Whenever you said you loved me, even if I never understood how could you love me, I thought that maybe, I could go on another day. There were few times in which you called me at my worst, once when I actually was about to kill myself. You made me laugh, and I hated it. I hated it because I knew that thanks to you I'll have doubts. And I did. You really helped me in my worst times. That's why I pushed you away in the end. I knew that you will be the reason of me deciding to keep going. So I cut you off as much as I was able to, so I won't feel guilty. And, well, I guess it worked, because you stopped calling, stopped texting. Then I felt like you don't care about me, even though I knew you left me alone because I asked you to. But this helped me pretend like you don't give a fuck, so I would be okay with killing myself. But still, you really helped me a lot. Thanks to you I was able to keep my mind off the edge." he finished talking.

"Now I'll never stop texting you again." he actually chuckled, and I felt my heart skip a bit, butterflies fluttering in my stomach. No matter how long we were together, he always made me feel like this. "You know, I still don't really know what to do to help you. I've never been in a situation like this. Is there anything you need from me?" for a moment, he looked unsure, so I almost started panicking that I said something wrong.

"Just, don't leave me, okay?" he asked. He was embarrassed, and gosh, he was blushing. I felt a sudden urge to carry him back to the bedroom, throw him onto the bed, pin him down, and do some very bad things to him for the whole night. But he was just let out of hospital, his mental state was plainly horrible, and he still wasn't hundred percent comfortable with me touching him, so I told my libido to just fuck off for a moment. It didn't, but the remains of my self control were handling the situation, for now at least.

"I won't. You're stuck with me for good, angel." I said, bringing my hand to his cheek, stroking it gently. He looked at me, smiling lightly. "Take as much time as you need, love, I'll be here." he leaned closer, closed his eyes, and softly brushed his lips against mine. My self control was having a really, really tough time. I closed my eyes as well, gently returning the kiss, feeling his hands going up, then around my neck. His lips were warm, soft, and tasted sweet, like chocolate. My hands travelled down to his waist, gently pulling him closer. The kiss soon ended, as I still thought that it was far too early to do anything, and I knew that if this went any further I wouldn't be able to stop. The distance between us was small, I could actually feel his breath on my lips. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too." he answered, his voice as quiet as mine. For the first time in a very long time I felt like it was really okay. Maybe I still didn't fully understand what he felt. Maybe I still wasn't absolutely sure how to make him feel okay about himself. But I really felt like things are finally starting to get better.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Only the epilogue left now, enjoy~

Things were slowly getting back to normal. Feliks still wasn't as talkative as before. And, he still wasn't comfortable with many things he used to be okay with, but that was changing. Although, there were many things I was sure would take months, if not years, to come back to normal.

Like his self-hatred. Every time I'd tell him a compliment, he'd just mumble that I'm lying. No matter how many arguments I'd use to prove I'm right, he would not believe me. Never. He was alright with himself before, I mean, he never loved his appearance, and he often complained about his height, some other things as well, but he never said he hated himself. And now, that was something I heard from him on a daily basis.

He was also much more isolated than before. His social anxiety got worse, which wasn't really a surprise to anyone. Him going to a new school in September didn't make things better. He had anxiety attacks quite often. Before this whole thing happened, I only saw him having an attack once. Now, they happened every time we'd go out to a public place. They were bad, but I eventually was able to calm him down. After he had an attack fourth time in a row when we tried to go out, I decided that going out to places with people wasn't a good idea. So we spent the rest of the Summer in his house (mostly in the garden as it was hot as hell). He also had nightmares, or were these night terrors? I wasn't sure which. He never fully told me what they were about from start to finish, but I was able to figure it out. I was sure they were about his bullies, specifically the times he was beaten up. After he had a nightmare, he'd wake up almost choking on air and tears. He'd mumble things like 'I'm sorry' or 'don't' or 'please don't hurt me' as I would try to calm him down. Which was hard, as he tried to get away from me as much as possible. He seemed to not recognize me when he had those, but once I was able to pull him into a hug, he'd just start sobbing into my shoulder until he fell back asleep. The morning after he didn't seem to remember that something happened, so I never brought it up.

Regardless of those things, everything was getting better. As the year was getting closer to its end, Feliks was clearly feeling much better. He started smiling and laughing again. He was definitely much more open to me. It took a little while, but our relationship was finally getting back to where it was before. He was telling me about his worries, about his school, about everything in general, now without hiding anything. Obviously, it took some time for me to start trusting his words again, but in the end, he wasn't lying to me anymore. My life was finally getting back to normal.

* * *

 

“It'd look better if I had any talent at all.” Feliks sighed, putting the paper away. “I'm worthless. There's no way I'll get into that uni.” I stood up from his bed (where I was sitting since I arrived, as he was working on his drawing) and walked towards the desk. Before he could hide the paper sheet – which he always did as he 'couldn't draw and it looked bad'– I took it and turned it around. His concept was simple – a woman sitting on a swing in a rose garden. It wasn't even finished, but it looked just amazing. No matter what he thought of them, I always liked his works. I fell in love with his style since he showed me his sketchbook for the first time. He had a unique, semi-realistic style of drawing. Each of the lines was delicate, gently drawn, as he never pressed the pencil hard. His sketches were almost unnoticeable at the start, with his tool barely touching the paper. I wasn't an expert in art, but anything he drew looked phenomenal to me. Sometimes I just couldn't believe that he could draw such a masterpiece in just few hours.

“Are you kidding me? It looks marvelous.” and I wasn't lying. It almost looked like a photograph, especially with the shading he did. I'd never be able to understand how he was able to imagine something and then make it real just like that.

“You're just saying that because I'm your boyfriend.” he said, standing up from his chair and snapping the paper from my hand. “I gave her too long legs, any of these flowers never even stood next to a rose, I can't shadow the tree properly, the horizon is crooked and just look at her hair. It looks like someone put a pasta plate on her head.” he then put the sheet into one of the desk drawers, which was full of these 'bad' drawings. They were all great, but somehow he always saw them as horrible. “I shouldn't even bother trying with art. Maybe I'll go with English instead?”

“You wanted to go on art since we met, and that was four and a half years ago. You can't give up on it just because you think you're not good enough.” he sat on the bed, and I followed him, sitting next to him. He sighed, looking at his knees. He was dressed in black, as he pretty much always was, black jeans and a hoodie to be exact. His sleeves were rolled up above his elbows, as they always were when he was drawing. The scars on his forearm were quite faded out already. It's been seven months since he last self harmed, that one final time being the one I walked on him in the bathroom. I've hardly ever seen those scars, since he wore a bandage on his arm almost all the time. I'd occasionally see them if we'd bathe together, as he took it off then. We had winter break in that moment, so he probably took it off because he wouldn't have to go out too much,. Plus it was February, so he didn't wear short sleeved shirts, like he did in Fall.

“I don't _think_ I'm not good enough, I _know_ I'm not. Compared to other people-”

“Don't compare yourself to other people, that's never a good thing to do.” I interrupted him. “I may not know about art and everything, I'm not a critic, but I do know you draw great. Each of your works is beyond incredible, you should be proud of yourself. You worked hard to be where you are after all. You may think some things are not perfect, and that's fine. That's why you want to go to college, right? To study, learn, and get better. You should have at least a little bit of faith in yourself. You've spent a lot of time learning and improving already. It's not impossible if you'll work hard and believe in yourself.” he wasn't facing me, but I could see a hint of a smile on his face. I brought myself a little closer, then putting my arm around his waist and kissing his head. “I'm sure they'll be begging you to study there once they'll see how you draw.” he giggled, turning his head towards me. He was smiling now, and I could see that he was calmer than before.

“Are you saying that because you mean it, or because you want to get laid?” I sighed, but I still smiled, pulling him towards me. I wanted to hug him, but something went wrong and I ended up on my back, with Feliks on top of me, sitting on my hips.

“I have to say both.” he responded with a quiet laugh, and then bended over, kissing me. We parted after few seconds. “So, am I getting laid? Did my great plan work?” he rolled his eyes with a chuckle, but after a second he looked to his side, probably to see whether the doors were closed. Which meant I won.

“It's the middle of the day though.” he mumbled. “Someone might catch us.”

“Nobody will. We've done that so many times already with someone in the house and we were fine.” he looked like he was thinking whether it was a good idea or not.

“But-”

“We're fine.”

“Let me-”

“No one will come in, I promise.”

“... If someone walks on us, you're dead.”

* * *

 

“What did the doctor say?” I asked, as Feliks put his bag on the floor. He sighed, and sat on the bed, next to me. It was one day after I arrived at his place to stay for the winter break when he had the last appointment with his doctor.

“I was finally able to convince him that I don't need his help. But, he wrote down the diagnosis for my family doctor to see. It's going to be put into my health documents, which I need to show to my teacher.” Feliks was still attending the psychologist, which happened only once a month after Summer ended. He had quite a few meetings with the doctor, since it's been good seven months since he was let out of the hospital. He looked like it was a quite exhausting session.

“What does the diagnosis say?” he reached to his bag, and pulled out a paper, then gave it to me. Only I couldn't read this, and Feliks didn't seem to realize his mistake.

“You know love, I kind of don't know what it says, since I don't really speak Polish.”

“Oh, sorry.” he smiled apologetically and took the paper away, putting it back into his bag.

“So, what is the diagnosis?” he sighed.

“Major depression, PTSD and very severe social anxiety.” well, I couldn't say I didn't expect that. I was sure he'd have PTSD, the night terrors he had made me even more sure of it. His anxiety also wasn't a surprise, since he never had attacks before. They still happened, but not as often as few months ago. Depression was also pretty obvious. I read on the Internet that people after suicide attempts often suffered from it. “Wonder what my teacher is going to say about this. I don't think she'll be happy with having an emotionally unstable depressed kid with anxiety episodes in her class.” he mumbled, resting his back against a wall.

“I'm sure she'll try to help you. She's a teacher after all, that's her job.”

“Oh, Toris, you don't know her. She's the devil himself. She hates each one of us, she hates everyone, but our class, which is her class, is just the worst in her eyes. I don't even know why she wanted to be a teacher if she hates kids.” he told me a lot about this teacher. She was teaching Polish, and she was taking care of Feliks's class, which was Gilbert's class as well. They both told me quite a lot about this 'amazing' lady. She reminded me of my grandmother a lot.

“You've got just four months left with her. And then it's all over.” I said, looking at him. “It flew by pretty quick, right?”

“Really quick.” he responded with a delicate smile on his face. “High school is almost over. We're going to college in no time.” I nodded. “By the way..” he started again, after about a minute of comfortable silence. “Do you know what job do you want?”

“Yeah. I actually do.” he looked surprised. Well, this was something I struggled with for few years, so me having an answer all of a sudden was quite shocking, even to myself. “I want to be a surgeon.”

“Why? You never really seemed to be interested medicine, or biology for that matter.”

“You know... When you were in the hospital, I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do with myself, I just felt like my whole existence lost its meaning. And when I saw you awake, I.. I can't even describe how relieved and happy I felt. After so much hurting, this feeling made me the happiest person in the universe. And, I thought about it a lot. I want people to feel this as well. I want to help people, and save their lives, so they don't have to hurt as much as I did when I thought I lost you.” we were quiet for a minute after that. Eventually, he crawled up to me, sit on my lap and snuggle his face into my neck.

“'m sorry.” he whispered. I smiled, putting my hands around his waist, gently kissing his head.

“You don't have to apologize, I told you so many times already. You're here with me, so it's fine.” I was lightly caressing his back for a while, until he spoke once more.

“It's only few months until we move in together.” I could feel his smile forming as he was saying this. Just the thought of us two living with each other made me smile as well.

“No more long-distance relationship, finally. And it'll be just the two of us as well.”

“It's going to be weird though. We're already used to seeing each other once every three months, and now we'll be living together.”

“We'll get used to it quickly, I'm sure. Finally I won't have to be scared about you.” he put his head up, now facing me. Since he was sitting on my lap, our eyes were on the same level, which was pretty new.

“Why would you be scared about me?” he asked. I sighed, my sight falling down on his left arm, which was exposed as he was wearing a t-shirt.

“I can't help but always be afraid that you're going to do something to yourself again.” he sighed as I took his hand, my thumb going across few of the countless scars there.

“I'm not going to. I promised you that so many times already. It's in the past, and we should leave it there, right? I realized it already, it was a mistake, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have hurt myself, and I'm not going to anymore. They.. They're going to stay there, but it means nothing now.”

“No. It means that I failed to be next to you when you needed me the most.” I felt like crying then. We both promised each other to just leave this subject alone, but I still felt guilty. I bet I always will, as it was my fault. I haven't noticed, I haven't asked, I haven't insisted, I haven't been there.

“Toris.” he brushed off my hand, lifting my chin so my eyes would meet his. His gaze was back to normal since a while now. This bright, emerald green colour, with that little sparkle, was back. “Don't say any of that, ever again. It's my fault entirely. I was an idiot, I pushed everyone who tried to help me away, I took that goddamn razor into my hand, I never told anyone, I hid everything. I. Not you. We've been through this so many times already. Let's just let it go. You remember Frozen? I bet you do, you've got younger siblings as well. So let it go, just like Elsa did. Leave past in the past. It happened, and we both regret it, it shouldn't happen. But it did, we can't do anything about it. You should be the one comforting me, not the opposite. You said this just a while ago. I'm with you here, so it's fine.” he smiled at me lightly. I just nodded, bringing my hand to his cheek, caressing it gently with my thumb. “We got off the subject. I wanted to know what curtains do you want in our flat.” I chuckled, my hand dropping and taking his hand, our fingers intertwining together.

The past was surely going to haunt us for many years. But no matter how hard it'd get, we were going to be there for each other, always. And that was the most important. We were together. For good and for worse. No matter how dark he could get, how overprotective I could get, things would always get better. With him, they always would.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the end of this fic! Now, before it's officialy over, I've got few things to say:
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who read the whole fic, for the ones that reviewed, and favourited, and followed. It means a lot to me that someone likes my work, so thank you!
> 
> But thank you for the people that only read few chapters, or just few sentences. You clicked in, and gave me a chance, so thank you as well!
> 
> Thanks to my wonderful translator, Nisl, even though I have no idea how they translated it because I don't speak Russian, I'm sure it's amazing. Thank you for spending your time to translate it, I'm really flattered you chose my fic, so thank you!
> 
> Also huge thanks to my friend Erika, who's been helping me, giving me feedback, motivated me, and thanks to her I found the courage to upload this thing, so really thank you dear!
> 
> Ten chapters, four specials, one epilogue, and almost 40k words later, this is the end! I hope you liked the fic, I really enjoyed writing it myself, even though it's been a bit harsh sometimes. I'll probably have a new story soon, so maybe, if you're interested in yet another sappy LietPol thing, we'll meet again!
> 
> Thank you and goodbye!
> 
> /Fela

 

"I'm home!" I heard Feliks's voice, together with rustling from the hall. I was sitting in the kitchen, sipping coffee and studying for an exam. Few seconds later, the blond came into the room, gave me a short kiss on the cheek and sat next to me. "How's the studying?"

"Boring. I never knew I'm going to need to know how much blood a human liver processes per day. Or how much sperm mature in an adult every day. I'm pretty sure that a surgeon doesn't need to know that." there was much more unnecessary things I needed to learn, simply because my teacher was a very weird man. Whatever was in the book, we had to learn it, even though half of it was basically useless. "How was your class?"

"Okay. We had a model today."

"A model?"

"You know, a naked guy whom we had to draw. We're studying human anatomy, so the teacher decided that it's right about time we get a model for class." I knew that at some point he was going to study basic anatomy, which meant drawing from life, which meant having a nude model, but I never really liked to think about it. The idea of my boyfriend staring at some naked guy's genitals wasn't something I loved to imagine. "I talked with him a bit after the class was over. He was being awfully nice, and even asked me out for coffee." I looked at him surprised, he only smiled. "I refused, obviously, but he seemed really determined to get me to go out with him, kept flirting and insisting. Weird guy."

"Did you get rid of him, or..?"

"He's going to model for our class for the rest of the week, so I'm pretty sure he's going to do the same tomorrow."

"That's good. We both finish at two, so I'll come to pick you up. I'd love if you introduced him to me." he rolled his eyes, but his smile widened. I've always been a jealous person, and he knew it perfectly.

"Of course. Just don't threaten him or anything."

"Me? Threaten somebody? What are you talking about, I'd never do such a thing." I did that only once, but the guy was basically molesting Feliks, so I had to step in and say what I think about him. "By the way, my mom called. She said that they're going to be in Warsaw for the weekend after all. Great occasion to finally break the news to everyone." he stood up, and walked towards the kitchen counter, then poured some water into the kettle. He opened the cupboard, and tried to take a mug, but all of them were placed on the higher shelf, so he couldn't reach them.

"Remind me, why the hell did we place all the mugs that goddamn high?" I chuckled, and got up, then walked towards him, and took the mug for him, placing it near the kettle, then wrapping my hands around his waist.

"So I can do this." I could tell he rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. I turned his head towards me, then I kissed him, smiling lightly as he turned around, his back pressed against the counter. He put his hands on my neck, slightly pulling me down, so he won't have to stand on his tiptoes. Instead of doing as he wished, I quickly lifted him up, so he'd sit on the counter. He wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me closer. My tongue brushed across his lower lip, asking for permission to enter. He spread his lips lightly, inviting me to play along. My hands found their way underneath Feliks's t-shirt as my tongue was exploring the familiar territory of his mouth. By this point his fingers were in my hair, pulling it slightly. We then parted, both panting heavily for air. Feliks dropped his hands to my shoulders, quickly pulling me into another kiss. I knew that it won't be long until I'll forget about what I was doing, so I broke the kiss, receiving a questioning stare from my lover. "I really wish we could continue, but I need to study for that exam I have." he pouted, breaking the eye contact. "I'm sorry." he sighed, jumping from the counter.

"Well then, I guess I'm going to go and call my sister or something. She was complaining that I forgot about my family." he said, walking out of the room. He stopped walking at the doorstep, turning around and smiling at me coyly. "You better not fail this exam. I'm not going to marry a guy who failed at getting a degree."

* * *

 

"It's nice to see you here, Toris. It feels like forever since you've been here for the last time." Mrs. Łukasiewicz said, hugging me before we could even come inside. "As for you, young man." she turned towards Feliks, crossing her arms on her chest. "It wouldn't hurt to call your mother from time to time! It's been only three months since you moved out, and I hardly hear a word from you!"

"I'm sorry." Feliks mumbled, looking everywhere but at his mother. "I've been busy, school, and moving-"

"I won't listen to any excuses. Come in, we'll talk inside." she stepped back, letting us inside. It was weird to be in this house again, but knowing that now Feliks didn't live here. Still haven't gotten used to this. We took off our shoes, and went to the kitchen, where my mother, Hedvika and Felicja were sitting and talking. We sat by the table, while Eduard, Raivis and Milo were playing with each other and chatting in the living room (the talking part was pretty rough with Milo and Raivis, but they seemed to be able to communicate through drawing and charades), we were talking mostly about our college experiences.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot. You boys wanted to talk about something, right? That's why we're here in the first place." my mother said. I felt Feliks's grip on my hand getting tighter. I knew he was stressed about it, I was as well, even though I knew the response would probably be positive. We looked at each other shortly, I smiled at him, trying to say that it'll be okay. I was the one talking, as him announcing something to a group of people (even though these were all people he knew well) would end up in an anxiety attack.

"Yes, there is something we want to tell you." I started, looking at them all. And by this point I could feel Feliks's nails digging into my skin. No lying, it hurt, and I was sure I was going to get bruises, and that he's probably got my blood under his nails by now. I wasn't as scared as he was, but there was still some part of me worrying that their response was not going to be a good kind of one. After all, we were still really young, and our mothers were the ones who were going to pay the most. But in the end, I was really proud to announce this. I was so lucky to get to spend the rest of my days with the person I loved the most. "We're getting married." for a moment, everyone was quiet, which probably gave Feliks a heart attack.

"Oh my goodness, that's fantastic!" my mother said cheerfully, bringing her hands to her mouth. She was smiling widely, her gaze jumping back and forth between me and Feliks.

"It's amazing news." Feliks's mom was also smiling as much as she probably could be.

"Show us the ring!" Felicja said, visibly excited. Feliks let go of my hand (and indeed, I had bruises after this), and rested his arm on the table. The ring was silver with a sapphire in the middle of it, with two little diamonds on the sides of it. It wasn't greatly fancy, but I knew that Feliks liked it. He never liked gold, that's why I chose silver, and sapphire was apparently the stone he found the prettiest. "Gosh, Toris, I didn't know you had such a taste in jewellery, it's beautiful."

"It must've cost a lot." Hedvika mumbled. "How much was it?"

"Let's just say it was worth its price." it actually did cost quite a lot, but I was prepared to pay more. Nothing but the best for my sunshine.

"Aren't you a bit too young for getting married though? You're only nineteen in the end." Hedvika noticed. And indeed, getting married so early wasn't something that many people did, but I was one hundred percent sure that I want to spend my entire life with Feliks. I was never more sure about something than about my love to him.

"We don't want to get married this year, we're actually planning a Summer wedding. It's going to be on our fifth anniversary, I do believe our age doesn't really matter if we've been together for half a decade." I said. I didn't care about our age, that was actually the last thing I had in mind. People say that couples getting married under 25 almost always end up divorced, but I truly believed that we were going to be fine. We've already been through a lot together. Sure, we had crises, his depression and suicide attempt being the worst one so far, but we survived it together. We loved each other, so we weren't planning on falling apart just because we're getting married earlier than most of the people.

"I can't believe this." my mother said, her eyes a bit glassy. "It seems like yesterday when you were Raivis's age, and now you're here telling me you're getting married."

"They grow up so fast, don't they?" Mrs. Łukasiewicz said. Then they both sighed. Motherly talking, as always.

We spent the rest of the day talking about our wedding. Although we had nothing planned (except the date, which we wanted to be our anniversary), the girls were already getting hyped by the little details, such as colour themes, flowers, or invitations. Feliks and I weren't involved into the conversation almost at all, as this stuff wasn't really something we'd call fun. Women were weirdly attracted to planning weddings.

We were sleeping in Feliks's old room, which still looked the same as before, except now more empty, and really clean. We went to bed around midnight, not actually going to sleep but talking instead. Feliks was cuddled to my side, his face buried in my neck, with my arms around his waist.

"Do you think things are going to change?" he asked, his voice quiet and calm. "Y'know, after we get married?"

"I'm pretty sure everything will stay the same." I responded. "What could possibly change?"

"I dunno. I heard that marriage changes how you look at the other person."

"Whether we're married or not, I'll always see you as the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on."

"Idiot." he mumbled, hitting my arm playfully. I took his hand, brushing my finger against his ring.

"An idiot you're going to spend your whole life with." I said, kissing his head and intertwining our fingers together. "We should probably go to sleep. We still need to tell the happy news to Elizaveta and Gilbert, that's going to be interesting."

"Ellie is going to kill me for not telling her first. And poor Gilbert, he has enough trouble with pronouncing my full name as it is now, what's going to happen when I change my surname."

"Feliks Laurinaitis." it sounded really nice. The name of my loved one together with my surname. I knew for a long time it sounds good, as I was one of those weird teens that'd put my surname together with my partner's name to judge whether it matches. "You know, a year ago, I'd never imagine we'd be here."

"I thought we agreed not to talk about this."

"I know. I just want to say that right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I really can't believe how lucky I actually am. I get to marry the most amazing, beautiful and incredible person in the entire world, someone I love more than I love anything or anyone else. I just love you so much, I can never really believe that you actually feel the same way, I'm the luckiest man alive just because you do." he snuggled closer to me, I could actually feel his breath on my skin, somewhere around the collarbone.

"I should be the one saying all of this. You are the only person that made me believe that life is actually worth living. You loved and supported me no matter what, and I'm so incredibly thankful for this. Even if I don't understand how did you manage to stay by my side and not go insane, I'm really glad that you never left me."

"I could never leave you, both for your and my own sake. I honestly think we would not manage if we weren't together." I felt him smiling faintly. I tightened my grip around him, gently kissing his head. "I love you"

"I love you too."

I will never know what I did to deserve someone like Feliks. But I'm always going to be grateful for him, as he, and he only, makes me truly happy. When I look back into my life, I have no idea how I managed to go through even a single day without him. What did I dream of before I knew his face. Who was I before he turned me into who I am now. I don't know. But I do know, that the universe blessed me with taking care of its brightest, most beautiful, and most fragile star. And I'm going to take care of that gift as long as I remain.

 


	12. Special 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween :D I didn't though that I'll be able to write something (because school is hell rn) but it looks like I made it! (there's nothing spooky in it, just some casual stuff)  
> Few things:
> 
> 1\. This chapter is a special. The plot doesn't really move forward in this.
> 
> 2\. It takes place before the events of the story, in October 2014.
> 
> 3\. It's not necessary for you to read it. Nothing important for the main plot will happen, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to, as it's just a filler.
> 
> 4\. If there are going to be more of those, they're going to appear on special occasions (someone's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, etc.).
> 
> For those who do want to read, enjoy ~

I was spending the week of Halloween at Feliks's place, as I had nothing interesting to do at home. At first, we didn't have any interesting plans, we were just going to sit at home and watch some movies. That changed, when his uncle suggested that we and some of Feliks's friends would go camping, just for the sake of doing something a bit scary. We thought it'd be a great idea, despite the fact that it was pretty cold outside. After Mr. Emil (as he told me to call him, because he didn't like to be called by his surname) convinced Mrs. Łukasiewicz to let us all go, which wasn't easy, he took us to the nearby woods. It was close to the city enough so we wouldn't have to drive five hours, but far enough to have a feeling of unknown. Besides me, Feliks and Felicja, there were also their friends, Elizaveta and Gilbert. I didn't know them very well, but they seemed okay. So, we found a perfect place to set on tents, and after what probably was two hours, everything was properly set. That was when Mr. Emil said that he isn't going to stay with us. Apparently, his job was to drive us here, help us set the camp, and get us home on Saturday noon.

“You'll be fine without me, it's just one night after all. I've done my job, you're here safe, so I guess we'll see each other tomorrow, kids!” And with that he just left. Bunch of teenagers alone in the woods. Great.

“Can we just take a moment to appreciate how irresponsible your uncle is?” Elizaveta said, sitting on one of the log-benches around the campfire (with no fire yet). “Aunt Maria clearly said he needs to stay with us because something might happen. What if we get lost, or get eaten by a grizzly?”

“There's no bears in here, Ellie.” Felicja said, sitting next to her. “The least you can meet here is a fox, maybe.”

“Since we're here, and we have nothing else to do, how about we get that fire going and eat some candy? It's Halloween, after all.” Gilbert suggested. We did just as he said, and for the next couple of hours we were eating candy, or marshmallows, and talking about everything.

“Oh, and as we already entered the boring subject, how's new school Fel?” Elizaveta asked, reaching over to her bag for something. I wasn't sure whether I was just imagining, but Feliks got a little bit tense as we entered this subject.

“Fine.” he answered shortly, which was kind of suspicious. He liked to talk a lot. That could be just him being tired though, and it was probably it, as it was getting late.

“Good kind of fine, or bad kind of fine?” I asked, drawing shapes with my thumb on the back of his hand.

“Both, I guess? I mean, it's not great or anything, but I don't hate it.” he wasn't very talkative about this – and believe me, usually he could talk with no end about anything, so we dropped the subject. Before we could even notice, it was already pitch black.

“We should tell some ghost stories.” Felicja proposed.

“Wouldn't it be a scene straight out of some cheap horror movie though?” I remarked. “A bunch of teenagers alone in the woods, on Halloween, sitting by a campfire in a little circle and telling each other spooky stories. Then everyone would go to sleep and it'd turn out that there's a killer out there.”

“Who dies first?” Feliks asked.

“One of you.” Elizaveta said, looking at me and Feliks. We both exchanged quick glances at each other.

“Isn't it that a chick dies first though?” Gilbert noticed.

“No. If it's about camping, there's always a couple that's having sex when everyone else is asleep. Then they hear a noise outside. One of them is like 'go check it out I'm scared', and the other one goes. After like two minutes, or so, the other one comes out to, and it turns out the first one was killed. So the other one is being chased, but they get killed too at the end.”

“So Toris would die first.” Ellie smiled at me.

“Why me?”

“Because, let's face it, Feliks would never go out into the woods alone at night, he'd be too scared for that.”

“I wouldn't! I'd be perfectly fine, thank you very much. It's not like I'm afraid of spiders, like some of us here.” Gilbert just snorted, looking away. (Yes, Gilbert had arachnophobia.)

“Okay, let's end it here, and get on with the spooky stories already, okay? Who wants to go first?”

~*~

“'Playing around when my back was turned,' the ghost whispered, stroking the sharp blade of the axe with his fingers. 'You’ve been very naughty.' The last thing she saw was the glint of the axe blade in the eerie, incandescent light.” I finished my story, everyone quietly looking at me, only sounds that could be heard were the noises of the fireplace, and the wind soughing the trees.

“Okay, I think I had enough for today, we should go to sleep.” Felicja said. We all agreed, as it was very late, around one, and most of us were clearly scared by the stories. After we made sure that the fire was out, each one of us went to their tent. There were three of them, one for Felicja and Ellie, the other one for me and Feliks, and the last one for Gilbert, who was supposed to share it with Mr. Emil. Once Feliks and I were inside, we changed, and got into a sleeping bag. Several minutes have passed, and I was slowly falling asleep, before I felt Feliks slightly shaking my arm.

“What do you want?” I asked, yawning. It was pitch black, so I could barely see him, but I saw that he burrowed his face into the pillow.

“I can't fall asleep.”

“Am I supposed to do something about it?”

“I'd be nice.” I rolled my eyes, but I pulled him closer to me, putting my hands around his waist. He snuggled closer, breathing slowly against my skin. “I hate camping.” he mumbled.

“You never said so.” I noticed, nuzzling his hair. “And you said you wanted to go.”

“Because I did. I thought it'd be fun, to do something different than go trick or treating. But I hate this goddamn atmosphere. It's dark like fuck, we're here alone, and those stupid ghost stories made everything worse, besides there are weird noises coming out of the woods.”

“So you're basically saying that you're scared?”

“You know that it's annoyingly easy to scare me, you shouldn't be surprised. Besides, mom's been telling me about that asylum and-”

“Asylum? You didn't mention anything about it.”

“It's just some stupid rumours about someone who escaped it. It's placed near the end of the city so escapees – if there are any – wouldn't harm anyone. It's been in the news this morning, and my mom started telling how freaky stuff they do there to people, because her friend works there and she knows, and apparently they wash your brain, and people are even more fucked up than before. Apparently someone escaped last night, and they still can't find him. They say it was a guy who killed his entire family or something.”

“It doesn't neccesarily mean that he'd come here into this exact place. You're being paranoid, love. Stop thinking about that, and try to get some sleep.”

“What if he comes here though?” he asked, smiling a little – at least I just assumed that he was smiling, as it was too dark to say.

“Guess the years of watching horrors will pay off. Although everyone exclaimed that we'll be first to die anyway.”

“Wasn't a couple that's having sex supposed to die first?”

“Yes.”

“But we're not doing that.”

“We can change that now.”

“You're horrible.” I smiled, and kissed his forehead.

“Let's stop thinking about serial killers and go to sleep, kay?”

“Mhm. G'night.”

“Night. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

  


In the end, the escapist of the asylum didn't appear, which was a good thing, I guess. We spent the morning cleaning up the place and waiting for Mr. Emil, who was supposed to take us to Feliks's house. After we arrived safely, and Mrs. Łukasiewicz scolded her brother for leaving us alone for the night, each of us took a shower and changed into comfortable clothes. Mr. Emil took Elizaveta and Gilbert home, and then went to his place. It was Saturday, which meant that I had my flight next morning. Feliks and I spent pretty much the entire day sitting in his room, talking. I have to say, that it was a very nice Halloween. I'd surely love to repeat that next year.


	13. Special 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is Poland's birthday! And, since he is my precious baby, I couldn't miss the occasion and I wrote this little thing as for celebration. Happy birthday Feliks!
> 
> Again, stuff you should keep in mind:
> 
> 1\. This chapter is a special. The plot doesn't move forward in it.
> 
> 2\. It takes place before the events of the story, on 10th and 11th November 2014.
> 
> 3\. It's not necessary for you to read it. Nothing important for the main plot will happen, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to, as it's just a filler.
> 
> Enjoy~!
> 
> (And as it is a very very special occasion, this chapter is from Feliks's point of view!)

The days were passing by quickly, and before I even noticed, it was already tenth of November. Which meant that tomorrow was my birthday. I looked forward to it, mostly because I didn't have to go to school on that day (since it was the national day, which meant schools and shops are getting closed). I just had to survive through Monday before that. Which was probably the worst day ever. Not only that I actually had to get up in the morning and leave the house after weekend, but also confront my class. And they were absolutely the worst on Mondays. Those people were the kind which had to take out their frustration and anger, and all of their feeling in general on someone. And that someone was me. I was already used to it, as the whole bullying thing started somewhere in the middle of September. Of course, ignoring them was very hard, as my class counted twenty two people (excluding me), and every each one of them seemed to absolutely hate me. I was trying my best to not take it personally. After all, it was just a bunch of insecure kids, taking out their feelings and problems on others, and it just happened that I was their target. Which probably would happen anyway, even if I wasn't gay. I mean, I'm always quiet, never really talking to anyone, and I have anxiety. People like me, and by that I mean those who will not speak up, are the perfect target for bullying. I wasn't planning on telling anyone about it, ever. After all, it's just high school, two years and I'll be out of here, so there's no point in doing an affair, as that would probably make the bullies even more determined to show how much they hate me. It's not like it was the first time I've been called names just because I wasn't like the others. In elementary school some of the guys in my class would call me a freak just because I was quiet, and the only people I actually talked to were Felicja, Elizaveta and Gilbert. Although, that was much different than what was happening now. In elementary school people would just call you names, nothing else really. In high school, they were much more resolute to show you how much they despise you and how little your whole existence actually means to everyone. I won't say that it doesn't hurt, because it does, it hurts like hell actually, but I would never show it to my bullies. Even when I am affected by what they say, I won't show them that I am. No crying, looking hurt, or being defensive. They want to see the results, and if they won't see them, who knows, they might stop. Although it's not very likely to happen, as far as I knew.

I was sitting in the classroom, waiting for the bell to ring and class to finally start. I was doing what I always did when I wanted to distract myself from listening to people talking to each other about how weird I am. Texting with Toris. That was pretty risky, since I was bullied mostly because I was dating him, and if any of my classmates would take my phone, it'd be pretty obvious who he is (since they think I have no friends). Although I knew I was fine, since they were a bunch of idiots if it's about English, so they wouldn't be able to understand anything anyway.

_F: "Hey, have some time to talk w/ me?"_

I typed, and looked around, just to see if anyone was paying attention to me. I knew that if someone did, my phone would be in danger of being thrown out of the window or something similar. Fortunately, everyone was rather busy talking with each other, or copying homework. I felt my phone buzzing in my hand, right as someone started laughing loudly at my left.

_T: "Always"_

I smiled. He was being a cheesy idiot as always. I was already typing when another text came from him.

_T: "Aren't you in class though?"_

Right, mister top student had to make sure that I wasn't doing something I wasn't allowed to do. As if he's never texted me in the middle of his class.

_F: "Lessons starts in like 10 min so I'm fine"_

_T: "Don't you have anyone there to talk to though?_ "

I wish I had. Shame that all of my friends are in different schools, and every single member of my class wants me to disappear.

_F: "I'd rather be talking with you than anyone in here"_

_F: "So, you've got any plans for today?"_

_T: "Not really. You?"_

_F: "Nothing. I'll probably be helping mom in the kitchen, she wants to make us cake for tomorrow._

_T: "Speaking of tomorrow, you doing something interesting?"_

_F: "Fela and I are probably going to re-watch LOTR again."_

_T: "Don't you want to invite your friends over or something? It's your birthday after all."_

Felicja and I were actually planning to spend the day with Elizaveta and Gilbert, but our plans got messed up. Ellie got sick, so she had to stay at home for entire two weeks. Gilbert was going to come, but then he got into a fight with one of the guys from his school, and his mother grounded him because he got detention. I didn't even ask Toris whether he'd like to visit, since he has school, and he's living quite far away, so coming over for just one day wouldn't make sense. As I wanted to respond to him, the bell rang. Classes were much more easier to withstand, since everyone had to be quiet and such (which means no calling me names or talking about me in general), so it was quite a relief to me.

_F: "On Skype at four?"_

He'd understand that this mean that my classes have already started. We didn't text with each other during school, since our breaks were at different times, plus I ended my lessons later than him, as the time zones we were in had an one hour difference.

_T: "Sure. See you at four then"_

* * *

 

"And then we all got thrown out for 'disturbing other students'. Then we went to the principal and got a half an hour talk about how much he was disappointed by our behaviour. And of course, he had to mention that he's especially disappointed in me because 'someone as smart and ambitious as me shouldn't behave in such a childish way'." Toris finished his story, looking through the notebook he had in front of his laptop.

"So did you got detention or not?" I asked. He nodded, still searching for something. "Wow, school's best student got detention, that's interesting."

"I may be the best student, but everybody knows that I'm not a saint or anything. It's not like it's my first detention either." he said as he took another book and started to flip through the pages.

"What are you looking for?"

"I have an essay for Lithuanian, and I have no clue where did I write the topic for it. It's for the next week, but I want to write it this week so I can have the weekend off. Anyway, you said you got an early birthday gift right? What did you get?"

"Ellie gave me a camera, a waterproof one, after she drowned my previous one in a lake half a year ago. Gilbert gave me shot glasses with 'Felix Felicis' on them."

"But you're seventeen. Isn't the legal drinking age in Poland eighteen?"

"It is, but the glasses look cool so I'm not complaining. I can use them for my birthday next year." Toris wanted to say something, but then him mom came into his room. He took one of his earphones out. He said something to her, but I couldn't tell what that meant. They talked for a short while. Even if I couldn't tell what they were saying to each other, it looked like Toris wasn't happy of what his mother was saying. He was protesting to her – at least I assumed. I knew some Lithuanian, but just the very basics, as Toris taught me a little. I could make out only few words from what they were saying, as they were speaking fast. Then, Mrs. Laurinaitis said something with a firm tone, and left the room.

"Sorry, looks like I have to go. My grandparents decided to visit us. I'll be grounded if I don't come downstairs to spend some time with them."

"Which grandparents?"

"The ones from my dad. You know, nice grandpa that was in the army and the horrible and religious grandma."

"She's the one that hates you?" Toris's relations with his family were pretty good, except that one grandmother. They started to dislike each other since Toris and I started dating, which was when he came out to his grandparents and some other family members. And apparently she was the only one who decided to voice her opinion about it. Toris told me that not all of his family accepted it, but at least they were quiet about it, not like his grandmother. Mrs. Laurinaitis told me that this started a very heated argument between those two, which was never really finished. From then, she quite didn't accept Toris as her grandchild, but he seemed to be fine with it, as he said that he wouldn't want to be a grandchild of hers.

"Yes. She also thinks that I'll end up in hell because I'm gay. But no matter how much she hates me, or rather my sexuality, she's still my grandma, and even though I'd love to stay and talk with you, I have to go and pretend that I'm happy to see her."

"Try not to be rude to her, okay?"

"I can't promise anything. I'll call you once I'll be done with them, around ten, maybe?"

"Sounds good to me. I'll see you then."

"I love you."

"I love you too." and with that, he hung up. I sighed, and turned off my computer. Then I left my room, and went downstairs.

"You still need help with that mom?"

After I helped my mom and my sister with the cake, which took a while as Fela mistook the recipes, I talked with Toris for few hours, and then went to bed around one. I fell asleep almost immediately.

* * *

I was woken up by something caressing my hand. Someone was lying next to me, I was sure of that, and it seemed like they were doing that. I assumed that it was Felicja, and her weird way to wake me up.

"Fela, I don't care that it's our birthday, let me sleep." I said, nuzzling my head into the pillow, and pushing her hand away. I heard a chuckle from my right. That didn't sound like my sister, but I was still pretty much asleep, so I assumed I was just imagining things. It was way too early for me to be awake. How can someone be able to function at such early hours? I assumed it was about eight or earlier, as my brother still didn't came running to my room, then jumping on my bed shouting 'happy birthday' and such.

"You know, I have no clue what you just said." I immediately opened my eyes and put my head up. Well, it wasn't my sister after all. Toris was sitting on my bed, smiling at me.

"Wa-.. what? Wait, why are-.. What?" I mumbled, my brain still not completely working with me. What the hell was he doing here?

"It's nice to see you too, love."

"Why are you here?" I asked, confused.

"Did you really think I would miss your birthday?"

"But- you've got school and-"

"Nothing bad will happen if I'm absent for a day or two."

"When did you even arrive? We were talking till one."

"I had a plane at eight, well, seven this time zone, and I've been here for like an hour or so. I talked with Felicja a bit, and she said you're still asleep, so I came here to wake you up. By the way, you slept in, it's nine." we stayed silent for a while. Then, I got up and sat next to him, smiling coyly.

"I'm glad you're here." I said quietly, moving closer to him. He moved one of his hands to my cheek, his fingertips gently brushing my skin.

"I'm glad to be here." he whispered back, bringing himself even closer, so there was almost no space between us. I shut my eyes as our lips met, my heart instantly beating faster. I felt warmth spreading across my body, as Toris brought his hands to my waist, pulling me on his laps. We broke the kiss after a while. We weren't saying anything, just looking at each other and smiling. His deep blue eyes were filled with love, and honestly, I felt the happiest I've ever been by just knowing that it was because he was looking at me.

Toris and I went downstairs after I dressed myself properly. My mom and Miloš were in the kitchen, and Felicja was sitting in the living room. Mom didn't allow us to walk into the kitchen, as she and Milo were finishing the cake, so we had no other choice than sit in the lounge. We played some games on the console for about an hour, until Milo came into the room.

"The cake's ready!" he said happily. I could already see that they used chocolate, as his hands were covered in it. His blue eyes were sparkling with excitement. In moments like this, I seriously wondered how could he be adopted. He and Hedvika were so similar to each other. They both had those sapphire blue eyes, and caramel blond hair. They looked more like siblings then me and Hedvika, and the two of us were related.

"But mom said we can't have it yet. She said we need to wait till after lunch." he added.

"Can't she make an exception? It's our birthday!" Felicja said, loud enough for mom to hear her.

"We're not having the cake until we'll eat lunch." mom responded from the kitchen.

"What are they saying?" Toris asked me. Milo was way too young to know English, so we spoke Polish in his presence. Then Toris didn't understand, but that was what I was for. It was exactly the same with his brothers. Raivis didn't spoke English at all, and Eduard did only a little, so they were speaking Lithuanian, with Toris translating me everything.

"Nothing important really. Come on, Fela, let's watch something if we have to wait. You mentioned The Lord of the Rings yesterday."

* * *

The day was pretty successful, I have to say. We had cake, got some gifts, played video games for almost whole day, and didn't go to school. We decided to go to bed around eleven, as mom said to not sit until very late. She also said that since Toris was leaving tomorrow afternoon, we wouldn't go to school, since she was sure he and I would stay up late. And that was exactly what we were planning to do. It was few minutes till midnight, when I got my birthday gift from Toris.

"I almost forgot." he said, and then went to his suitcase, only to pull out of it a small jewellery gift box. "I got you something."

"I think I told you that you don't have to give me anything." why would I need to receive something, if I already had him, and that's much more than enough for me.

"I wanted to." he sat next to me on the bed, and handed me the little box. It was quite long, and grey, with a little black bow on it. I didn't even need to look inside to know that I'll definitely like what he gave me. We had a pretty similar taste, plus he knew me better then anyone, better than I knew myself. Without hesitating much I opened it. Inside, there was a necklace, in the shape of a phoenix. Its eye was made out of a green stone of some kind, and the bird itself was silver.

"Wow. It's beautiful, really." I said, as I took it out of the box, and got a closer look from every side. "Will you help me put it on?" he nodded. I handed him the necklace, turning my back to him. I held my hair with my hand as he was putting it around my neck. After he was done, I turned back to him. "It's very clever too. How did you think of this?"

"You told me once that your name is very similar to the word phoenix in Polish. Plus, it's your favourite animal. I wasn't sure about it though, I mean, you don't wear jewellery. I was actually scared that you might not like it."

"Are you kidding me? I love it. Thank you." I smiled, and gave him a short kiss. He returned the smile, pulling me closer to him and connecting our lips once again.

"Happy birthday Feliks"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (oh, and by the way, some of you may not know, but Fela is a short form of Felicja in Polish. Feliks was using it quite often here, so just letting you know:)


	14. Special 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone!
> 
> Same as always, but still:
> 
> 1\. This chapter is a special. The plot doesn't move forward.
> 
> 2\. It takes place before the events of the story, on 24th December 2014.
> 
> 3\. It's not necessary for you to read it. Nothing important for the main plot will happen, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to, as it's just a filler.
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
>  
> 
> *also, I'd like to say that I don't suffer from social anxiety so I don't really know how it exactly works, everything I know about it is from the internet, so stuff may not be accurate*

I woke up around ten because of the footsteps from the corridor. I could also hear voices from right behind the door. I recognized the voices of my mother, and her sister, which always came to visit for Christmas. I wasn't able to make out what they were saying, until one of them opened the door and they came inside.

"I told you, he's still sleeping." my mother said, making her way to the other part of the room, and opened the blinds. They weren't even try to whisper, which was pretty rude, but typical for relatives. You always try to act as quiet as you can when they are asleep, but when you're sleeping, it's suddenly time to do the loudest houseworks possible.

"That's that boy of his? He's staying over for Christmas?" Aunt Elena asked. I felt her sitting down on the edge of the bed, right behind my back.

"Yes, that's him. And yes, he's staying. Toris said his mother was busy, and he didn't want to stay with his grandparents."

"If he has such great relationship with them like Toris with his Adam's mother, then I'm not surprised. I still can't believe she told her own grandchild that he's going to hell" of course. There was never Christmas without mentioning my amazing grandmother. Since I came out to my family, she's never appeared on the Christmas dinner. Not even once. Grandpa, on the other hand, always did. He did while grandma was in the church, and always left quickly, because 'she'd get really mad if she found out'. Did I ever mention that I really dislike her?

"Audra's always been a religious woman. She'd never support a relationship like that." always religious, always following whatever the priest and the church would say. I'm not against religious people, but I kind of hold a grudge against her for literally disinheriting me just because I was dating a guy.

"She should see that it's not bad. Toris is really happy. Plus, it's not like he's dating someone really bad, I mean, this child doesn't really look like a type that'd be a bad influence." she shouldn't really judge someone just by their looks, but Feliks really looked completely innocent. Especially when he was asleep. He just looked too adorable to think that he'd hurt anyone, ever. Like a kitten. And kittens are pretty much harmless.

"And you haven't even met him properly yet. He's an angel, really. I have no idea how someone troublesome like Toris got himself such a loving boy like Feliks." if I wasn't 'asleep', I'd really tell her how greatly nice mother she was, but I decided that I'm going to save that for when I was be awake. But really, do all mothers say stuff like that about their kids? I wasn't a saint, but Feliks was not either. Only, she didn't know him from all of his sides, like I did. He could be an angel, and he was most of the time, but he could turn into a demon pretty easily too.

"You know what they say, opposites attract. We should go and wake the little ones. Raivis is really gonna be mad if we start decorating the tree without him." soon after that, they both left, not closing the door (either that, or one of them did that really quietly.

"They're gone, right?" I heard Feliks speak quietly. I opened my eyes, to see him awake, with his eyes open as well. He looked really great in the mornings. His hair was all messed up, few of the blond locks resting on his face. His eyes were a little bit glassy from sleeping. He was wearing my shirt only, which was way too big for him, so one of his shoulders was exposed. "Are you still asleep or you did you not hear me?"

"None of that. I'm just enjoying the view." he blushed and turned his eyes away.

"Idiot." he mumbled. I laughed quietly and pulled him closer, lightly kissing his head.

"Your idiot, that is." he snuggled closer, resting his head against my chest.

"What were your mom and your aunt talking about? I overheard my name."

"Nothing interesting, my mom just called you an angel, and said that she's got no idea how we got together since you're so sweet and I'm the worst, of course."

"It's because you're so tall."

"Oh, is that so? You like taller guys?"

"Obviously. It would be cool if I was higher though, I mean, you literally have to bend down to kiss me."

"Nice to know that the only thing you like about me is my height."

"Not only that. You're not bad looking, you know? Quite the opposite actually. And you're well built."

"I was expecting you to say you love me because of my personality, but it seems it's just my looks. I'm heartbroken."

"Please, you say that like I'm the only one. I know that you asked me for my number just because you thought I was pretty. And you're with me because I'm skinny, and because I have nice legs."

"Your legs aren't the best, your butt is so much better."

"See? I was right-" he was interrupted by a knock on the door. I turned around, sitting on the bed, Feliks doing the same.

"You're awake? Great." my mother said, looking through the gap between the door and the door frame. "I need you to help me with something."

"Aww, do we have to?" I asked. I was hoping to do nothing for the entire day, but of course, my mother had better plans.

"Yes, you do. I need help in the kitchen. Get dressed and come downstairs."

* * *

The Christmas dinner never was really crowded in our family. There was going to be me, my brothers and Feliks, my mom, her sister, her husband and her daughter, and my grandfather, probably. That was just nine people. Although, Feliks was obviously worried about that right before the meal. He wasn't saying anything, but I could clearly see that he was trembling and breathing quicker than usual.

"You should stop freaking out, you know? It's just a normal dinner." I told him when we were changing into some more elegant clothes. He looked quite surprised that I noticed, thought it wasn't that hard, as I could easily tell when he was being worried. "You're pretty easy to figure out. Plus, you put your shirt on the wrong way and you have two different socks on."

"I'm just... I'm worried that they won't like me, or will think I'm weird. I mean, normal people don't really get how someone can be afraid of just a small group of people, or strangers, and I'm just scared. I won't be able to talk if there's gonna be so many people around me, and it'll be horribly weird if someone says something to me and I'll just stare at them scared. They'll surely notice that something is wrong with me, I don't want anyone in your family thinking bad of me." he said in one breath, his gaze meeting the floor.

"Feliks, there's no need for you to think like that. Listen. It won't come to you as a surprise, but I talk about you to everyone. A lot. Like, really a lot. They already know about that. I explained to them how is it, and they promised to try to leave you be, okay? They won't think it's weird. Besides, Meggie, my cousin, has social anxiety as well. Although, it's not as bad as yours, if I recall correctly, but she wasn't really comfortable about having to come here either. You'll be fine, it's not like someone is going to judge you just because of that. Besides, I'm sure they'll love you once they'll have a chance to meet you." I smiled to him encouragingly. He smiled at me back, sighing.

"I have no clue how I ever survived any social events without you. Thanks."

"The pleasure is mine. Come on, fix yourself. Everyone should be here in a minute. "

In the end, I was right. The doorbell rang just as we finished dressing up.

"Ready?" I asked him, embracing him for the last time (as I decided to hold off on that for the evening so Feliks wouldn't get even more stressed). He sighed, resting his forehead against my shoulder (here's the height difference we talked about earlier).

"No." he said, his voice shaking.

"We have to go there anyway. I'll be by your side all the time, okay? I won't leave you alone. You'll be fine. Come on." he moved away, and nodded his head. I reached for his hand, intertwining our fingers. "You don't mind, right?"

"No, it's fine." he smiled shortly. We then walked out of my room and went downstairs. Everyone was already in the hall, greeting one another. My mother noticed us immediately (just as she was waiting for us to come here) and showed us with her hand to come to her. We did, Feliks going a little bit behind me.

"Ah, Toris, it's been a long while since I saw you." Phillip said. He examined me with his gaze, and then spoke again. "You've grown a lot."

"Not really. You're probably imagining."

"I'm certainly sure I'm not. Last time I was here I was about a head taller than you, but now? You're almost taller than me." he then noticed Feliks, who was standing a little bit behind me, his gaze on the floor, and his nails digging into my hand (quite painfully). "And if I'm not mistaken, that's your boyfriend, right?" he said, now in English. He had an obvious British accent, as he originally came from England. He also worked there, that's why I didn't see him as often as rest of my family.

"Yep, that's him." I answered proudly, looking over at him for a second. He wasn't looking down anymore, but at him instead.

"It's a pleasure to meet you I'm Phillip, Toris's uncle."

"Feliks." he said quietly, shaking Phil's hand. Phil then turned around, to his daughter, Megan, or Meggie, as everyone called her. She was four years younger then me. She looked almost exactly like Phil, with their remarkable ginger hair.

"Come on, Meg." he said, putting his hand on her shoulder encouragingly.

"Uh, Megan, do you speak English?" I asked, back in my native language. Even if she was half British, I wasn't sure whether she was good at it, especially in her age. She looked at me questioningly. "You see, Feliks isn't from here, and he doesn't know the language, so unless you're fluent in Polish, English is the only option." she then nodded, which I assumed was the answer to my question. "Well then." I turned back into English (there was going to be definitely a lot more of this, I was sure. Going back and forth between Lithuanian and English I mean). "Feliks, this is my cousin, Megan. Megan, this is my boyfriend, Feliks." she smiled at him lightly, and he returned the gesture almost immediately. Neither of them said anything, which was pretty understandable. "Okay, so, since everyone already knows everybody, let's go and eat something."

* * *

"So, Feliks, what are your plans after high school?" aunt Elena asked. I told her before that she should not question him, but she never really listened to anyone.

"We both don't really know yet." I answered for him, giving her a warning look. She smirked at me. Of course, she wanted to force a conversation with him. You see, aunt Elena didn't accept 'shy', 'leave me alone', or 'social anxiety' in her dictionary. If she was going to talk with someone, that was her will and she was going to fulfill it.

"Oh, I'm sure he has something in his head. Right?" I wanted to say something, before surprisingly, Feliks interrupted me.

"I'm thinking about graphic design." his voice was quiet, and shaky, but the room was silent enough to hear him clearly.

"Doesn't this require to draw well though?" Phil asked.

"It does." my mother answered.

"Oh, right, you do draw, honey. I almost forgot." aunt Elena said, smiling at him. "You see, with all the things Toris says about you, it's kinda easy to get lost in it." I rolled my eyes.

"Don't you roll your eyes on us, Toris." Phil spoke. "Just so you know Feliks, Toris talks about you constantly. I'm not even joking. Once he'll get started about you, he'll just talk, talk, and talk."

"And somehow he manages to get you into every single subject. We could talk about the weather and he'd get you into the topic anyways"

"I'm here, you know!" I growled, my face turning slightly red. Feliks, on the other hand, was clearly enjoying himself, almost laughing. If I wasn't mad and embarrassed, I'd be thankful that my family somehow made him comfortable enough to show any emotion on his face. But, since it was about embarrassing me – as always – I just sat silently mumbling to myself how much I hated them.

The dinner flew by really quick, between eating, singing Christmas songs and embarrassing me even more. After that, it was time for gifts, something we all were looking forward to. My brothers basically sprinted over to the tree, eagerly looking for their names on the packages. We all sat in the living room, parted into few little groups and opened our gifts. I received a new book from my mom, one I wanted for quite a while, a computer game from aunt Elena and Phil, and photo album from Meggie (I told her she didn't need to give me anything, but of course, she was as stubborn as her mother). From my grandparents (grandpa had time to come over just for a little while, and put our presents under the tree as he was leaving) I got a watch, which was kinda an inside joke, as I was somehow always late whenever going over to them. Last, but not the least, was the gift from Feliks. He gave me a necklace with a little silver wolf pedant (which I guessed was a reference to my gift for his birthday). I gave him headphones, some better ones, since all of his always broke after a month of using them.

About midnight, when everyone went home, me and Feliks decided that it was about time to go to bed. We were tired, from both getting everything ready and eating so much. We both fell asleep almost immediately. I was quite satisfied with Christmas, to be honest. After waiting so much, it was over in almost no time. But still, I was very happy about it, since it was yet another few weeks I could spend with Feliks, and that was the best use of the time for me.


	15. Special 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to you guys! I'm slightly late with this, but who cares. I hope that 2016 will be amazing for all of you!
> 
> Here you go, a little thing I wrote. Fluff, and a bit of drama.
> 
> And yet again:
> 
> 1\. This chapter is a special. The plot doesn't move forward.
> 
> 2\. It takes place before the events of the story, on 31th December 2014 - 1st January 2015.
> 
> 3\. It's not necessary for you to read it. Nothing important for the main plot will happen, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to, as it's just a filler.
> 
> Enjoy~

New Year's Eve always meant smoke, fireworks, champagne and staying up till morning. Which was pretty okay by me, as I had a habit on staying up till early morning hours since I started high school, basically. The smell of sulfur from all of the fireworks that people fired for the entire day was quite annoying, but I could manage, as I didn't go out of house as much, mostly because it was cold. This year, I was spending the New Year's at home, since Feliks was visiting. We weren't doing anything interesting for the whole day, we just played video games in my room. When the clock on my wall showed eleven thirty, we turned off the console and went outside. I lived in the suburbs, but I knew the perfect place to watch the fireworks from. It was quite far away, but we weren't in hurry.

"Can't believe 2015 is almost here. I almost feel like I'm not ready for it." I said, as we were walking. We were holding hands, as there was no one on the streets right at the moment. We didn't show affection in public, since Feliks really disliked it. And since he was already uncomfortable in crowded places, I never wanted to make him even more anxious. But, at New Year's, half of Vilnius was pretty much empty, as everyone was either partying inside, or waiting for the firework show in the center of the city.

"There's nothing to be ready for, really." he responded. "Tomorrow won't be that different from today. Sure, the date is changed, but what is so important about that? The date is always changing in some way, yet there isn't really that much change to our lives. We're changing December to January, but that's the same as we'd be changing March to April. Except the very last number of the year will be different. Sure, it's whole another year ahead of us, but what it is to celebrate? That the world is getting older and is closer to its end? Such a gorgeous occasion to party." he finished with sarcasm. Quite typical of him, to object the opinion of society.

"You should stop analyzing everything so much. It's a whole new year. It's an occasion to forget about everything bad from this year, and hope for better. Tomorrow is like a fresh start, a chance to reset, to be a better person, to do better things, to try something new. There are things we'll have to face, people we'll have to meet, tears we'll have to shed, smiles we'll have to force, words we'll have to speak. New year is a whole twelve months of something new waiting for us." I turned my head towards him with a smile.

"And I'm the only one analyzing everything?" Feliks returned the gesture, tightening the grip on my hand.

"You're just so pessimistic. Try to think that things will be happy for once."

"I don't think that's possible for me." he mumbled. His smile disappeared, and his gaze met the pavement.

"What do you mean?" I was quite worried by that, to be honest. Feliks was a type of person that usually didn't share his feelings with other people. If there was something bothering him, or upsetting him, he'd never tell me. I had to figure it out by myself, and if I knew what was the reason of him being sad, he'd still try to convince me that he was fine, and it was just my imagination. I was always the one that worried about everything, that was just who I was. And I think it was pretty normal for me to be worried about him, since I loved him.

"It's just..." he looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He then sighed, turning his head to look at me again, smiling lightly. "Nothing, really. I guess I'm just a type to think more pessimistic than optimistic, that's all."

"Are you sure?" I asked, and stopped walking. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I do. But it's really nothing."

"You looked upset about something for a while."

"It's just your imagination, I'm perfectly fine." see? He always said that, whether it was true or not.

"Alright. If you say so." I decided to give up. I wouldn't get it out of him anyway, he was too stubborn. We walked in silence for the rest of the way. We got to the park, which was placed near a big hill, which was our destination. There was a little stone gazebo on the top of it, which was surrounded by trees. Not many people knew about this place, I discovered it very recently myself.

"A park? That's where you wanted to go?" Feliks asked, looking around.

"Yes, and no. We're not quite there yet."

"We've only got ten minutes though."

"That's more than enough." we arrived at the top of the hill few minutes later. Feliks's eyes completely lit up as he saw the view of the city. We both sat at the balustrade, our hands still intertwined together.

"How did you even find this place? The view's just phenomenal." he said, looking around the whole area.

"I was just walking around, and I guess I somehow stumbled upon it."

"You can see the entire city."

"That's why I wanted to come here. It's perfect for viewing the fireworks. And.." I looked up an hour on my phone."...it seems like we're here just in time, it's about two minutes left, or even less."

"So, what are we doing now?"

"There is a thing I always wanted to try. We have a superstition going around here. If you kiss your loved one at the stroke of midnight at New Year's, you ensure that you'll be together for the next twelve months. If you don't get the kiss, that means the whole year of loneliness, or that your relationship isn't going to get through the next year."

"That's just a cheap excuse for a kiss."

"Don't you think it's romantic? To promise each other that we'll be together for the next year as well?"

"I'm not the one to be romantic. That's your job in this relationship."

"Still, even if it's cheesy and cheap, I want to try it."

"So, you're basically saying you want to be stuck with me for yet another year of your life? Isn't two and a half years with me more than enough for you?" he brought himself closer to me. I put one of my hands around his waist, and the other one on his cheek stroking it lightly. We were only few centimeters apart. I could see the lights from the city reflecting in his eyes. He was slightly biting his lip, I noticed, as my gaze was once on his eyes, then on his lips, and again back on his eyes.

"Enough?" I whispered as I was slowly bending over. "Even spending the whole eternity with you wouldn't be enough for me." then, from our right side, there was a loud sound of fireworks, countless colours exploding in the sky, brightening Feliks's eyes. We both leaned in. I closed my eyes, and then I felt his warm lips on mine. The kiss was just a gentle brush up against each other's lips, and then we parted. I sighed, and took my hand of his cheek, grabbing his hand instead.

"I love you." I said, smiling. The corners of mouth instantly went up, creating a faint smile.

"I love you too." Feliks answered. He then turned his head back to the landscape of the city. I did so as well. We both watched the fireworks in silence for few minutes. He then rested his head on my shoulder. We were sitting there, completely quiet, until the fireworks were completely gone, and that happened good twenty minutes after midnight.

"So, any New Year's resolutions? Or wishes?" he asked, still in the same position.

"I'd love to have more free time. Less school, and practice."

"Would you know how to spend that time?"

"With you." he sighed, putting his head up from my shoulder.

"That isn't really possible." he said, looking straight ahead, at the city. I rolled my eyes, standing up. His pessimism could be really annoying. Especially as I was optimistic most of the time. People say that opposites attract, but sometimes it really got into my nerves, how he could not think the same way I did. "You know how far apart we live."

"And here you go again. It isn't like things always have to be the worst. Can't you think that something good can happen for once? Do you always have to be like that?"

"Like what? Myself?" he stood up as well, standing opposite me.

"Exactly. It's goddamn irritating how you always need to have your own, different way of thinking. You never can agree with something that everyone else agrees with, no, you just have to ruin the opinion of normal people. And you always have to turn good into bad, happy into sad. Did somebody ever tell you how much you're able to bring anyone's mood down? Because someone really should. You just cannot be happy, no, you have to play depressed and make sure everyone around you is feeling like shit, just because you're yourself. You should at least fucking try. You told me so many times you can't fit it because of your anxiety and all of that. That's not the problem. You'll never fit it if you continue to act like such a bitch, always ruining everyone's mood. If you just tried to fit in. But you won't, because you just have to be the special one, the weird one, don't you? You always have to be. Every time I'm talking about something good, you just have to rant about how I'm wrong, how all of that logical and depressing bullshit you're saying is the right reasoning. Every fucking time you just have to do that. Sure, go ahead, be that kind of guy all you fucking want. No wonder everybody thinks you're a freak." I haven't even thought through what I was saying, all of that just came out on its own. I was breathing quickly and angrily, waiting for him to say something, anything. But he kept still. I finally decided to look at him. His eyes, half lidded, were directed at the ground. He was crying. Tears were quickly falling down his cheeks. He was also biting his lip hardly, and his hands were curled into fists.

"So that's what you really think of me, huh?" he said, his voice shaking, but even though he was crying, he didn't look sad. He looked hurt, and that was so much worse than 'sad'. "I think I should just go. Who normal would want someone like me to be with them, right? I'm... I guess you're right. I'm pathetic. I-I'm sorry for everything I ever said. I-I... I'm... I should.., I'm just going to go." and then he turned around, and just walked away. I stood there like paralyzed, not knowing what the hell should I do. Then, after like an eternity, my brain finally realized what I said.

_Shit. Oh my God, I fucked up. I fucked up so much. Christ, why did I even say all of that, God, I'm such an idiot._

I decided that just standing there wasn't the smartest thing ever, so I immediately ran the path that Feliks and I walked before, almost falling down few times. When I was at the bottom of the hill, where there was less trees, and the main path to the park was visible, I realized that I had no goddamn clue where to look him.

_Did he go back home? What if he didn't? He doesn't know this place as well as I do, what if he gets lost? Jesus, why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut.._

I decided to check if he was in my house, which was the most possible, yet I wasn't hundred percent sure that he was there. I basically ran the way back, and when usually it took twenty minutes to get to my house from that park, I needed max ten to be there. Good think that my basketball coach always told us to ran few laps before the practice, otherwise I would be dead after half of the way here. I waited a little before I entered, because I was completely out of breath. In the kitchen, which was visible from the corridor because it lacked doors, was my mom, and my brothers (which was pretty surprising, since they weren't able to stay up till this hour on last year).

"Oh, Toris, you're back quickly. I thought you'll be back after one." my mother said, smiling at me. "There's champagne, if you want some. Since you're basically eighteen now, I think I can allow it."

"No, thanks. Uhm.." I had no clue how should I say this. Something like _'hey mom, I just basically told Feliks that he's completely horrible and I hate him, I made him cry and yet he apologized to me and then ran away. Is he here?'_ would probably cause my mom to hate me forever. "Is Feliks here, by any chance?"

"Upstairs. He came back just a while ago. Who did you run into?"

"What?"

"Feliks said that you met one of your friends on your way back here, and he didn't want to be a burden, so he left you to talk. Sweet of him, but you shouldn't let him go alone, he could get lost. So, who was that?"

"Oh, right. Um, you don't know him, that's.. a new guy from our team. He just wished me happy new year and everything. If you don't mind, I'm going to go."

"You won't spend even a while with your family on the New Year's?" I kind of have to try and save my relationship, thank you very much.

"Sorry mom, but I'm really tired, I want to go to bed already." I said, smiling apologetically. Then I went upstairs, thinking what should I say to Feliks. Would he even want to hear what I had to say? Probably not. I had to try though, I'd hate more every single day for the rest of my life if what had happened today would cause my relationship with him to be over. I stood in front of the door to my room for five minutes, before I decided to just get over it and come in. It was my room, after all. Feliks was there, sitting in front of his suitcase. His hair, which was put in a ponytail before, was now loose, covering the side of his face, so I couldn't see his expression.

"What are you doing?" I asked, before I could think of anything else. _Really smooth, Toris, great work. You should beg him on your knees to forgive you right away, not start a casual conversation, you idiot._

"Packing." he answered quietly.

"But your plane is on Sunday, you don't have to do that yet."

"There's one tomorrow morning as well. And, since you don't want me here.." you don't even know how much worse about myself that sentence made me feel. ".. I should be gone from here as quick as possible, right?" I went towards him, and sat next to him, closing the suitcase, which made him look at me.

"Listen.. I-.. I'm .. I.. I really didn't mean to say that, I'm so sorry. I was angry, and annoyed, and I'm just a goddamn idiot. I'm so sorry. I know you probably hate me, I hate myself as well, but please, let me fix it. I seriously didn't mean any of that, I'm sorry. " he was quiet for a while, but then his gaze met mine again.

"You know what will happen if you throw a glass on the floor?"

"Yeah.."

"What?"

".. It'll break."

"If you say sorry to it, will it go back to the way it was before?"

_oh..._

"Listen. I'm not saying that I don't take your apology. I really appreciate that you actually said you're sorry, because I wasn't expecting it. I just want you to know that it hurt. Whether you meant it or not, it hurt. And it hurt even more because you were the one to say those things, because I love you. And I meant it, every singe time I said it. And you... I-.. I don't know what to think anymore. One moment you say you love me, then you basically say that you hate that I'm myself, and now you come back and say you're sorry. I'm confused. I don't know what you said was true and what wasn't. I'm afraid to know which was which."

"I really do love you." I said, my gaze dropping to my knees. "I have loved you since the very first moment I looked into your eyes, and I really meant it every single time I said it to you. I didn't want to say such horrible things to you. Really. I was just annoyed because you were saying the truth, and I dislike it because it's not the way I want it to be. You always speak the truth, it's just that it isn't as cheerful as I wish it would be. And I didn't like that. I don't realize what I say when I'm mad, you know that. I didn't want to hurt you, I never did. I love you, your personality. And everything I said about you was just stupid. You might not be an optimist like I am, but that doesn't mean that you're worse. You just have a different point of view, and no one should hate you because of that. I am really, truly sorry for everything I said about you. And, I get that just saying this doesn't change that I hurt you, but I want you to know that I really never meant to do that. I'd never hurt you on purpose. I hurt you now, which wasn't on purpose, and it happened because I'm an idiot. And.. I'm really sorry." I was still looking down, because I was simply scared of looking at Feliks. I was scared of being rejected.

"You know, if you were someone else, I'd just nicely break up with you and offer being friends again, but I won't. Even if you did hurt me, and honestly, I seriously thought that you meant everything you said until you came back,.. I don't want those two years to go to waste just because of something like that." I looked up, and I saw he was smiling at me.

"Does that mean you forgive me?"

"I do. But let me make this clear, I forgive you, but I won't forget what happened." I smiled back at him, and sighed with relief.

"That's fine by me. I knew you won't just jump straight into my arms and forgive me just like that. I know that I need to atone for all of that."

"There's still few days for you to do that. You can start now and bring us some ice cream from downstairs."

"Hey, when did I agree on being your butler?"

"When you said all those mean words and hurt my poor innocent heart"

"... Okay, I will do that, but no way in hell I'll just do whatever you say."

"You will."

"No I won't."

"I've got my ways."

"They won't work."

"We'll see about that"


End file.
